It is no secret that virginal women are appealing to men. I think secretly all men wish to be the one that introduces you to the world of sex and teaches you everything you know. The adult entertainment industry has capitalized on this lust for innocence by popularizing school girl outfits, pig tails, and pom-poms for women of all ages who wish to dumb down the appearance of their sexual intelligence to that of a 4th grader. After all, nothing says sexy like someone who still thinks the stork brings babies (Spoiler alert: there is no stork, but don’t worry; the way babies are actually made is way more fun than waiting for a stork to fly by your window…usually).
This trend of “feigned innocence” has now spread to the masses. I certainly remember overhearing conversations at college Frat parties where one guy would start bragging about having stolen some girl’s V-card, only to find out that one of his friends had been given the same honor just weeks before. I have heard so many guys say things like ‘Just how many V-cards does that girl have?’ While it used to go without saying that you only have one V-card, it now seems that girls are buying them by the deck. The “virgin defense,” which has become shamefully overused on college campuses, is becoming increasingly less effective as a means of escaping the social consequences of a one-night stand. Obviously the logic behind this defense is that by claiming to be a virgin it will “prove” that doing something like this is completely out of character for you and people’s sympathy for your having made such a misguided choice will hopefully cancel out their judgment. However, I tend to find fault with this logic. In my mind, there is much more shame in a virgin sacrificing her chastity for a night of beer pong and meaningless sex than there is in simply owning your sexuality and the choices that you make.
However this “virgin act” is not isolated to one-night stands. According to my anonymous male sources reporting from deep in the “friend-zone” trenches, it has become an increasingly common tactic when trying to lock a guy into a relationship. According to them, there are a couple of very commonly made mistakes that will never fail to blow your cover. The first mistake is made primarily by novices who will claim to be a virgin, but whose actions won’t back it up. Honey, no guy is going to believe that you have clung to your virginity for the first 20+ years of your life only to give it away to someone you’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks. In fact if he did believe that, it would almost be a bigger insult to your character. However even experts are not immune from such errors. An expert will wait the requisite amount of time (usually 2-6 months depending on how dedicated she is) but will often overlook one fatal flaw in her grand plan that has the potential to unravel all of her carefully implemented deception and skillful manipulation. You see, by definition, virgins lack sexual experience. Therefore, if you want to be perceived that way (which again, I’m not condoning) don’t treat your first time with him as an audition for the Adult Film Star of the Year Awards. He will not be expecting you to giddy-up reverse cowgirl style right out of the gate.
Here are some things that will likely blow your cover:
- Whipping out a sex swing
- Reenacting a scene from Any Given Cumday (or Breakfast on Tiffany, Breast Side Story, Cum and Cummer, Chitty Chitty Gang Bang, Sex-Toy Story, Diddle-Her on the Roof, Forest Hump, I Know Who You did Last Summer, Jurassic Poke, Inspect Her Gadget…Sorry it’s just too easy. I would keep going, but Common Decency is begging me to stop. Such a prude, that one.)
- Emerging in a full-blown dominatrix outfit
- Talking dirty: you will quickly lose your glow of innocence when you start talking like a character straight out of Black Snake Moan and throwing out phrases that would make Jenna Jameson blush.
- Any position that starts with “The” is probably off limits (i.e. the pair of tongs, the incline leg, the London Bridge, the Eifel Tower, the triple lindy, the pile driver, the body builder, etc.) Think: What would be allowed on nighttime television (Note: not HBO)? Then do that. (Hint: No one ever says “the missionary position”…it’s boring enough so as not to warrant predication by a definite article/demonstrative adjective depending on your theory of classification for pre-adjectival modifiers in the English language.)
- Reaching for one of the last condoms in your Super Value Pack (He can do the math: 70 minus 2 = ewwwww)
- Correcting him or explicitly instructing him: Remember, you can’t teach a class you’ve never taken. And you’ve never taken this class right? We’re still going with that?
The bottom line is: If you want to wait until marriage, do it; if your sex drive puts Sex and the City’s Samantha to shame, own it. Whatever you choose to do, I support you. But don’t make mistakes; make decisions and own them. Don’t waste your time and effort on these shameful shenanigans.
xx,
K.
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“It is no secret that virginal women are appealing to men.”
Greatest understatement of the year!
Seriously though, great – and hilarious – points you’ve made here.
You truly rock!
thanks!!
I love your writing! You had me cracking up through the whole thing. I didn’t know so many girls faked being virgins. And to me, hooking up with a virgin isn’t really appealing at all. I’d much rather be with someone who knows what they’re doing and know what they want. But that’s just me. I look forward to reading more of your work!
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Funny stuff. When will guys learn we are outsmarted right from the start? Do women like the idea of a virginal guy? If so, there might be a lot of guys commenting with their V-cards. Bruce