I can honestly say that this book gave me a lot to think about…like, what the hell is an inner goddess? Is it still abuse if an orgasm is involved? Has “fifty shades” always been an expression? Is a sex contract legally enforceable? How many people that I know have secret sex dungeons? Is it socially acceptable for me to read this book in public?
Overall, I felt that out of the 514 pages in this book, 73 were worth reading. For your convenience, I have listed all worthwhile pages here (Yes, they’re the dirty ones. You’re welcome):
113- 122
134- 142
191- 196
263- 268
273- 276
318- 329
348- 350
362- 366
371- 372
428- 430
437- 438
479- 480
484- 492
So what were the remaining 441 pages about? Well, mostly Anastasia Steele (the craven virgin turned freak-in-the-sheets) entertaining mind-numbingly irritating dialogue between her subconscious and her “inner-goddess” (don’t get me started…ahem “my inner goddess is doing pole vaults.”), conducting constant and painstaking analysis of Christian Grey’s facial expressions, and biting her lower lip. In my opinion, this literary fluff is unnecessary, but I’m not afflicted with shame (a condition which I am to understand, is chronic in areas such as the Midwest, and the Bible belt). You see, an erotic novel has an extensive backstory for the same reason that a guy suggests coming back to his place to check out the view, have a glass of wine, admire his rare argyle sock collection, meet his neighbor’s salamander, etc. You both know that there is one reason and one reason only that you are ditching your BFFs at the club to check out a sexy stranger’s fish tank right before last call, but if he actually came right out and said “let’s go back to my place and have sex” most ladies would be offended by the presumption. In much the same way, E.L. James was forced to bury the sex scenes (which, let’s be honest, are the only reason that you shelled out $16 for this book…with the possible exception of wanting to prove that you are way more sexually knowledgeable and consequently way less shocked by this book than the rest of the mom-jeans wearing members of the Smalltown PTA) in non-sexual and largely inane context. If E.L. James had simply published a skimpy seventy-three page book jam-packed with steamy sex scenes, the Million Moms would undoubtedly have been burning her in effigy and staging a protest, instead of tucking dog-eared copies under their pillows at night. Instead, the emotional turmoil and ethical dilemmas experienced by Anastasia Steele provide the modest reader with the justification that they need to indulge in such off-color entertainment.
Bearing this in mind, I was not surprised that this novel developed such a fast following. However, I was more than a little surprised to hear it so frequently being touted as groundbreaking for women. Believe it or not, there is nothing groundbreaking about women being submissive; in fact historically it has kind of been the norm. So is this book really a beacon for the women’s sexual revolution? Let’s review, shall we? It starts off with Anastasia Steele: a sexually clueless, virginal girl-next-door from a broken home. Virginity caters toward the male fantasy (see my article: virgins don’t have sex swings). I have never heard a woman say that she would just love to re-lose her virginity, or that she is dying to bang a sexually inexperienced man. Point: men. We are then forced to endure approximately 120 pages of agony-inducing analysis (“I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated and my long list of faults goes on.”; “why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me?”). While battling insecurities is an all too relatable topic for women, it does nothing to empower them. Soon after, the older, wiser, richer, and more experienced Christian Grey (read: father figure) “rips through [Anastasia’s] virginity.” Because nothing says feminism like daddy issues.
Christian then introduces Ana to his “wicked ways” by implementing corporal punishment when she dares to roll her eyes at him. Following her Catholic-school-style spanking, they engage in satisfying sex which he then tries to use as proof that being hit actually turns her on. This logic is clearly fallacious. If you ate a hamburger prior to having satisfying sex, would it follow that you are sexually aroused by beef? No (unless maybe you’re Ronald McDonald; that guy clearly has some perverse kind of crazy going on). The formerly stable Ana then quickly becomes unbalanced and overly emotional; crying basically all the time and falling victim to her own increasing anxiety regarding her “relationship” with Christian. Now that her emotional intelligence has been reduced to that of a temperamental child she is forced to rely on Christian for all of her emotional and sexual needs. Merely being useless without him though is not enough for Christian. He repeatedly says throughout the book that she is his, and that she belongs to him, to which Anastasia initially responds by saying that her subconscious is “doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.” And with that, feminism was dead.
In conclusion, I feel that the curiosity and shame-free approach to sex which this book inspires should be embraced. However, I would caution against running out to get a flogger and riding crop. If you are to get anything out of this book (other than some restless nights) it should be the realization that it is important to be honest with yourself about your sexual wants and desires. A woman being able to freely and honestly express her sexual desires is groundbreaking. A woman submitting to a man who will then have his way with her is passé at best.
In the words of my dear friend: the interplay of sex and degradation is rarely black and white; there are many shades of grey in between…perhaps even fifty.
xx,
K.
Thanks, havent gotten around to this yet – my inner goddess is busy & appreciates your taking the time to highlight the ‘worthwhile pages” !
haha no problem! Thanks for your comment!
xx
Thanks for the honest review. I haven’t read the book but people keep insisting I should. I’m going to take this as more evidence that it’ll be like giving in to Twilight. A thoroughly dissatisfying experience. Though maybe I’ll check out the worthwhile pages
haha, yes- I would be surprised if you found those particular pages dissatisfying LOL xx
A clever review. I’ve forgotten the title already but I definitely won’t be buying it. Books like this remind me of skin-flick movies (umm, I heard about these when I was a bit younger). The padding between the covers is used to justify the only content of interest if it exists; most likely the 73 pages you mentioned above. Sex still sells. Funny thing; I read some old books here and there; throw away novels for quick and light entertainment; they were written in the days when the man knew best and the wife was dependent on his wisdom, discipline etc. Did he want a wife, a young girl, or a mixture? Lucky that guys were so incredible then and women so totally dependent. The cycle continues it seems and I find it a little embarrassing. Bruce
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! I couldn’t agree more!
I’m so glad you wrote this. I’m writing a post about this soon. I haven’t read it yet, and probably never will. I just don’t think it’s all that shocking! Most of the stuff I’ve heard about is what I currently do anyway (Yikes!) haha
However, I did hear about the “contract” and one of my boyfriends and I may be working on one of those soon…
So yea, I’m dirty sometimes haha
more power to you!
Yes, the older I get, the less I care what people think about how I dress. That’s why I still wear my Converse shoes.
She is bold and those shoes with the red skirt are just out of this world. Way to go Christina!
Welcome home! I’ve read fifty shades of Grey, wish i lived in your area would join in your dsuscision..our library here in north fla. won’t have it on its shelf..but a friend of minw gave me the book ot read and she has book 2 and 3..I enjoyed it but some of my friends thinks thats its not proper reading material, thats their opinion, I have read a few others authors that i enjoy alot more,like Lora Leigh and Margie Church and a few others. This guy friend who name Trey took it home wioth him, he’s on the road alot so I can’t wait to hear on what he thinks about we talk on the phone and he keeps telling me wait until I see you thats been over 3wks. so will see what do you think about this book? My sex life sucks at the moment so books like this keep me dreaming but then I’m quite happy with a man like Ty you have no problems have a Happy Mother’s Day!
I just started reading this book and while I like it because its a bit different to the ‘chic lit’ I usually read , Anastasia truly shits me to tears !! I want to slap her myself half the time
I don’t think this is a very realistic love story anyway .. but I will probably read all the books now I have started , I’m bad like that .. also I hope u don’t mind , I nominated you for one of those bloggy awards , if you want to check it out here is the link .. http://kelsgonebush.com/2012/07/08/ooooh-my-first-blog-award/ Xx Kel
thank you so much!! I’m honored!
xx
Think i will just photo copy the good pages so
Dear K, thank you once again for a terrific post! It’s interesting that, while there’s definitely a place for easy-reading fiction, longevity comes from a solid base. Good writing, good story-telling, and characters that we can care about! This appears to be much ado about nothing, save the steamy bits. Thanks for dissecting so clearly, & as always saying things so thoughtfully and so well. Glad to read you! Cheers.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment!! I have been enjoying your blog as well!
xx
Yip, 50 shades of gray. So one has to choose, more shades or more grays.
Rarely am I disappointed by the lack of a “double-like” button, but this is one of those times. Nothing says feminism like daddy issues and “ripped” virginity…
hahaha thank you!! That is quite the compliment! I’m glad you enjoyed it
xx
I always do.
Honestly, this is everything I thought about the books. Yes, sadly I read all three. It was akin to a car crash for me – I Just had to see how it played out (not well, if you were wondering). Thank you for this great post!
Reblogged this on Ashleigh With a "G" and commented:
I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Luv the ending paragraph
Personally I don’t think I’ll ever read this book, but for some reason I love reading the reviews. Yours especially
aw thanks so much!! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! xx
I really respect this clear and level-headed review. I write recaps for one of my websites- SnarkSquad.com – and I started taking on Fifty Shades, and let me tell you, I very much hate this book. HATE. I don’t even think the sex scenes are worth reading, really, because the characters are just so hateful that it makes the sex uncomfortable and weird. GAH.
I could never discuss it as calmly as you have here, but you raise so many great points, especially about Ana the Virgin and how this not quite groundbreaking as others have described.
I understand that erotica is heavy on the sex while the plot is almost a way of getting people around from sex scene to sex scene. I could’ve forgiven 50 Shades for a fllimsy plot. However, in combination with poorly developed characters and straight up bad writing, the combined effect is pretty infuriating. To me, at least.
If you are interested in the recaps you can find them starting here: http://www.snarksquad.com/2012/05/fifty-shades-of-grey-chapter-1-my-eyes-are-totally-rolling-in-exasperation.html
Anyhow, I’m glad to have read this take on the book!
Also: I found your site through 20 Something Bloggers. I’m about to approve your membership so welcome, welcome, welcome!
Lor
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment (and for approving my membership)!! If your site is anywhere near as concise yet impassioned as your comment, I’m sure I will love it- can’t wait to check it out! Thanks again!
xx
Nicely done. I saw a guy reading it while working a concession stand at a baseball game. Said he was engaged and his wife asked him to read it. Lucky dude. LOL
hahaha. It is officially the end of an era. The expectation of a bouquet of roses has been replaced with a riding crop. sad.
I love how you conveniently list the good pages, so we don’t have to waste time with the rest of the book. LOL
Efficiency is so often undervalued lol
I’m not gonna lie, I liked the book, but I totally get your point. EL James completely buried “the good stuff” in the midst of Ana’s angst over her body issues, and imaginary resistance to being submissive. Either way, I LOVED your review, and might just have to reblog it!
Haha thank you so much!! I’m really glad that you enjoyed it. Reblog to your heart’s content
xx
Thanks! I just reblogged it! I know my readers will find it hysterical!
Reblogged this on Lori King Books and commented:
Don’t get me wrong, I liked the Fifty Shades of Grey books, BUT, this review was SOOO hillarious and well written that I had to share it!
Yes, I agree with most of what you write here. Mention the amount of times she mentions her medulla oblongata, and I would have been rolling on the floor laughing. Something about her writing, though, is drawing people in…but I think your analysis is pretty on point.
I read the first 2 chapters and stopped. Nuff said. lol
Great review! The plot is seriously lacking, I couldn’t even reach the middle of the book I admit