Yesterday was Sunday, or as I like to think of it: the only day of the week when I have no societal obligation to move. Consequently, I fell victim to watching a Bridezillas marathon on what I can only assume is the anti-marriage channel (formerly known as WE TV). I spent the first couple of episodes wondering how on earth these straight-up crazy women are able to find anyone aside from their own drug-induced hallucination to marry them. But then around hour three it hit me: these poor men had totally been kidnapped by the crazy- they had basically been reduced to victims suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and now, as a result of this traumatic bonding that was initially used as a coping mechanism, were actually marrying their captors. Please do your best to hold your “awws” until the end of the article. They probably started off thinking: “Alright, so maybe she’s a few Crayons short of a box…but it’s not like I’m going to marry her or anything.” And then before you can say “Patty Hearst” they’re walking down the aisle while touting the merits of the Symbionese Liberation Army.
Like pregnancy, prevention is the best cure for crazy. Therefore, men, it is important to be vigilant. So get your game face on and look out for the following red flags:
1. The Hubby Hunter: If you get whiplash from the speed at which your relationship is progressing, it may be time to pump the breaks. If she starts dropping bombs like “soul-mate,” and “joking” about marriage at a point in the relationship when you would normally still be contemplating whether or not to split the check, that chick will be picking out china patterns faster than you can say “shotgun wedding.”
- Examples: “Oh my God! You’ve been to Austria? We should totally go there so you can show me around.”; “Do you have plans for the holidays yet? I know it’s June, but it’s never too early to start planning these things. You should totally come home with me!”; “I can’t believe you like Nutella too! That’s it. We’re getting married.” (ha…ha); “My lease is up at the end of the month…wouldn’t it be a fun and budget-friendly idea if we moved in together?”
2. Crazy Eyes: Visions of white picket fences, paisley-print onesies, and pricess-cut diamonds dance across her pupils as her eyes glaze over in a blissful state of detachment from reality. Now is your chance: make a break for it!
3. “I’m not crazy”: The concept of insanity creates an interesting paradox in that the more someone denies it, the crazier they seem. Luckily, I have noticed that this is an issue almost entirely exclusive to crazy people.
4. “I’m not crazy, ask my therapist.” The mere fact that someone has a therapist is hardly indicative of a poor mental state, however needing to constantly validate their own statements by citing their therapist, is a definite red flag.
5. Generalized Paranoia: She’s convinced that your guy friends hate her, that your female friends are trying to seduce you, that her friends are jealous of your happiness and want to break you up, and that the waitress that just handed you your burger totally wanted to jump your bones. This often goes hand-in-hand with irrational jealousy, and will likely lead to demands including a cease-and-desist on hanging out with your female friends and a no contact order applicable to all of your exes and former paramours. No one can be trusted to be supportive of the very special connection that you two share. It’s you against the world (sounds like a blast).
6. Lie to me: She lies compulsively about big things, small thing, and things that there is absolutely no need for her to lie about. It’s easy enough to let it slide when it turns out that she can’t actually make crepes or speak Spanish, but it’s cause for concern when her little brother turns out to be her son, or when she shows you her college diploma which she clearly created herself with magazine cut-outs, Ransom note style.
7. If I say it enough, maybe he’ll believe it: She uses the word “love” with semantic frequency that should be reserved only for conjunctions.
8. She’s like a box of chocolates…well, crazy chocolates filled with unstable and laced with irrational: Roller-coasters are fun to ride; not to date. If it’s impossible to predict what kind of mood she’ll be in and how long she’ll be in it; that’s a bad sign. If she starts off laughing, ends up crying, and then storms out of the room…lock the door behind her. A highly-emotional girl will manage to turn every incident (no matter how small) into what will definitely be the end of the world and/or the demise of your relationship (both of which happen to be given equal weight in her mind).
9. Is unrequited love kind of her ‘thing’? Restraining orders are usually a good indicator.
10. She assumes the office of “Social Media Dictator”: She knows what your texts say before you do and it’s up to her whether you will get to know about them. She has de-friended and black-listed all of the female Facebook friends in your newly-added photos before you even knew you were tagged. Your e-mail account becomes “our” e-mail account. She demands passwords to all of your private accounts and when you hesitate, accuses you of not trusting her- or worse, cheating on her (an offense which you can only assume at this point, is punishable by death). Much like the jaded characters in the plot of a futuristic novel, you forget what life with privacy was like. You may think I’m kidding, but when she wakes you up at 3 a.m. wide-eyed and demanding to know what EXACTLY you meant when you “liked” a post about croissants on Facebook, you won’t be laughing.
Don’t cliff-hangers just drive you crazy? That’s why I’ve decided to go with a “to be continued” instead. Check back tomorrow for Part II!