Secret Weapons in the War Against Crazy: XX Edition, Part II

Yesterday I learned that single ladies own more crazy than can be contained in one post. Unlucky for the men out there who are looking for love, but lucky for all you readers who are just looking for some laughs. To see the first half of this list of possible indicators of lady-crazy, see my post Secret Weapons to Use in the War Against Crazy: XX Edition, Part I.

11. Smileys do not make everything better:If this chick uses emoticons in place of actual grammar, she’s either a Japanese schoolgirl, or a little bit crazy. Texts such as: I would take my own life if you left me ARE A RED FLAG.

12. Her fuse is shorter than a sitcom is without commercials: Sudden-onset rage is a common characteristic of crazy girls. If she looks like she’s going to shank the waiter for forgetting to put extra croutons on her salad…don’t stick around for desert.

13. She believes in “fate,” not in birth control: Read: She is willing to create and exploit a human life for the sole purpose of trapping you in a relationship with her (Crazy lady says what?). Warning: She probably also believes in “accidentally” poking holes in condoms and “forgetting” to take the pill. I’m not sure if crazy is genetic, but I’m positive that you don’t want to find out.

14. Cat Lady: She has a collection of cats because “they are more trustworthy than people”; “they never leave her”; “they don’t talk behind her back”; or something equally unsettling.

15. Moving on is a foreign concept: It doesn’t matter that she’s almost out of her twenties; the high school sweetheart that broke her heart is still front and center on her radar. She will say things like “OMG you will not even believe what that skank posted on Billy’s wall.” While you bite your tongue to keep from reminding her that “that skank” has now been married to Billy for six years and has two children with him, she will demand confirmation that she is in fact way more attractive than “that skank.” She will also likely require constant reassurance that he actually looks miserable and obviously realizes that leaving her was the biggest mistake of his life. It may be hard to do this, considering that his profile picture is of him jumping for joy after the judge issued his no contact order, but if you value your life, you’ll play along. Survival is king and logic is irrelevant in the land of the crazy.

16. All of her Ex’s are crazy…according to her: Statistically it is highly unlikely that a perfectly sane person has fallen exclusively for crazy men for the entirety of her life. Therefore, out of respect to the discipline of statistics, it’s important to consider the common denominator (i.e. HER). Of course extenuating circumstances could potentially skew the results- for instance, perhaps she was a live-in nurse at a mental health facility for the past decade so the dating pool was made up entirely of crazy men. More than likely though, she’s just a little nuts.

17. Fancy meeting you here: You told her you were going to grab a few beers with your friends, and when you get to the bar you find her there, looking like Magnum P.I. about to take down a perp.

18. Naughty Librarian: Her bookcase is stacked with top-notch literary works such as 10 Easy Ways to Spot a Lie, When Your Lover is a Liar, Get Married This Year: 365 Days to I Do, How to Snag a Guy and Keep him Hooked, and my personal favorite Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs (yes, that actually exists, and if you ask me, even a woman that was perfectly sane prior to reading such a book, would be channeling the host of Cheaters by ‘telltale sign’ #800…they probably should have just titled it 829 Ways to Drive Yourself Crazy).

19. The World’s a Stage, and she won’t settle for anything less than an Oscar (a.k.a. Drama Queen Syndrome/Attention Whoring):While a normal person would typically reserve disputes for times which social norms have determined to be appropriate- such as in the privacy of your own home, crazy girls take a different tactic. For a crazy girl, every dispute signifies a potential opportunity to make a scene and get attention, which is why she will likely keep all points of contention on reserve until you are somewhere truly inconvenient, such as an outdoor café, a romantic restaurant, a family gathering, or the really intense 30 seconds before something important happens in a movie and the whole theater falls silent…or as she refers to it: “show time.”

20. Call me, maybe? More like call me…if you want to live. Remember that time that you went out with the guys for a few hours without calling or texting to check in with the girlfriend? Of course you don’t. Because she would never EVER let that happen. Communication is constant, and yet never sufficient.

21. “I think like a guy”: I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this from friendless, hopelessly neurotic girls between sobs and sips of Chardonnay. They explain that they ‘don’t play games’ and that they just ‘think like a guy.’  Here’s the thing though: just because you fail to get along with girls, doesn’t automatically mean that you think like a guy. There are certainly girls that really do click better with guys, but in my experience, girls that fit this particular profile (i.e. are straight-up crazy), despite their contention that they get along better with guys, actually lack friends of either gender. It would seem that gender is irrelevant when it comes to preference for crazy: girls and guys agree that they’re all better off without it. Watch the video above to see Jenna the Blogger, from the Bachelor season 16 try to explain to Ben that she is an emotional wreck who has made a hobby out of meltdowns because she’s just “more like a guy.” She drops that bomb at 2:05. Lesson #1: Boys don’t cry, Jenna.

Crazy is contagious, because, like most things, if you’re around it enough, it eventually starts to seem normal. That’s why it’s important to cut your losses ASAP before you set up permanent residence in Crazy Town.

And in case you were starting to worry that I only had it out for the ladies, check back later this week for Secret Weapons in the War Against Crazy: XY Edition, to learn what red flags to watch for in men.

xx,

K.