About the Post

Author Information

I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

The Asshole Awards

Today’s goal was to write a post about the horrors of online dating. However, when I signed into my free online dating account and started trolling through some of my suggested matches, inspiration took me in another direction and I decided to let the assholes speak for themselves. I have decided to simply cut and paste passages from ACTUAL online dating profiles that I have found on an ACTUAL dating website (and sadly, have on certain occasions, actually been matched to). Again, I reiterate, it may be hard to believe, but these are real.

Eligible Bachelor #1

My Self-Summary

I got a message suggesting that I reword that, so allow me to dumb it down a bit.

I know what I want and am not willing to compromise.
I see nothing wrong with that.

Perhaps I could change it to “for the love of god, no fat chicks or old bitches”

I’m not trying to be cruel, just be Realistic.

If you are fat, find a lonely fat guy.
If you are old, find a lonely old guy.
No offence, just stick to your own kind.

And if I have offended any old bitches or fat chicks, I apologize.
But now you know.

What I’m Doing with My Life

Everything. Seriously, My work takes up much of my time. And I love having money.
Only poor people say “money can’t buy happiness” I disagree. So far I have found that having money really does make me happy.
also “beauty is on the inside?!?!?!? that’s just what ugly people say”

 I’m Really Good At

I am really good at sabotaging any chance of happiness I may have.
Pushing people away who are trying to help.
Avoiding people who can help.
Attracting all the ones who can’t
Finding reasons to drink.
Justifying my reasons to drink.
Convincing myself I don’t need anyone.

And building a tree fort.

You Should Message me if

If you took the time to read this far.
Or if you want a real man.
But even if you do, you probably shouldn’t.

We can talk. It will start out Okay.
we will have all kinds of fun and good times.
But eventually I will find some reason to dislike you.
I will ignore you, push you away, and drive you away from me.
You will cry… I will drink…
And long after you have gone, I will still be here wondering why I do the things I do.

and also this:
I am 178.7 anything over BMI 180.9 need not respond.
pass all this and we can talk.

Eligible Bachelor #2

My Self-Summary

I work in a menial, dead in job attending to messy people who do not have the cognizant ability to pick up after themselves.

My days are spent reading the internet.

I’m not anti-social or akward — my job requires me not to be such — but I simply live in Bellevue and there are few interesting people. Too much vapid, cluelessness. Too much weakness; I can smell weakness a mile away, and am starting to lose my ability to refrain from exploiting such things.

As for me, it’s really pointless writing about oneself because it ends up sounding egotistical. I’ll give you a few personality traits, though:

*polite in public, I hold back my rude thoughts because they’re so frequent. I always want to call someone a “dumb, sloppy fuck” when they make a mess.
*Apathetic to most of my surroundings. There’s nothing interesting going on.
*Deviously intelligent. I read people’s body language and their word choice, and so on, to get a glimpse of things they’d rather hide. My constant boredom is probably due to my amazing intelligence and budding sociopathic tendencies.
*Elitist — I only respect people who deserve to be respected. Not that I’m rambo rude or anything like that, but I prefer to be in like-minded company.
*reliable. I generally almost always attend to my obligations, and on time.
*inexperienced in life. I get bored with things very easily and this area around me doesn’t command much exploration.
*Fuck it, just message me if you want to.

What I’m Doing with my Life

Not much. Floating. Nothing interests me. Nobody interests me. It’s hard to have goals in life when everywhere I look, there’s just desolation.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

If there’s anything interesting to do. There never is. The last party I attended I had to hit on a lesbian because there was no one else to hit on. The party host was a mormon whose idea of drinking was 30% abv rootbeer schnapps… I drank the entire bottle and never paid him back, LOL. And that was like 3 years ago. God, I hate this town.

On a Typical Friday Night I am

Home alone and drunk.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I’m half-sociopath. I fully enjoy saying things simply to have people act like my puppets. I love manipulating people, it’s highly amusing. I hate weakness.

People nauseate me.

You should message me if

Don’t message me if you are overweight and/or unkempt. Please. I’ll just insult you for being a hippo, I find obesity disgusting. I warned you. Back off. No flab for this fellow.

I suppose I should mention I have a motorcycle/trust fund/six pack abs, because all you chicks seem to be either the runts of society or trying to date above your league. Me? I’m just a bored loner.

I know you won’t message me because you’re either a fatass, or a vapid bitch and know I am your biological better. SO LOL ONLINE DATING = FaiL


Eligible Bachelor #3

My self-summary

Well heres the thing. I came on this site with the purpose of finding hot milfs to bang since i dont get many oppurtunities to meet them. Now that im on here i can hardly belive it but there are some really hot young girls here.

So i decided ill just use this to hook up with hot online chicks.

Personally im a straight foward guy, im not afaird to be completely honest.
If i talk to you it means i want to hook up with you. Mabey not when we meet, mabey not the next day, mabey not ever but pounding you is what im shooting for.

Im not stupid enough to think ill deveolp any kinda connection over the
internet or talking to you face to face for an hour, so ill bimbos living in fantasy land need not reply.

If we do deveolp a relationship it will be natrual not obligated cause we agreed online. If you dont want a relationship fine, most of the time i dont want a relationship either, i just want to get in your pants.

Im pretty sure that everyone on this site is looking for sex otherwise they wouldnt be online dateing. Or theyre just really ugly

ill have pics when i have them


Have you stumbled upon a particularly offensive or appauling profile while online dating? Copy and paste it in the comments section below! Something tells me that the “asshole awards” may become a reoccurring event, so please feel free to start submitting nominees!



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12 Comments on “The Asshole Awards”

  1. grantrice March 9, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    Wow, these are stupidly bad. #2 probably thinks he sounds badass but it all just comes off as some combination of false bravado and a strange kind of desperation.

  2. sequinsandsocrates March 9, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

    haha I couldn’t agree more. There’s a fine line between “badass” and just plain “bad.” These guys however, have gone so far past the line that it probably looks like more of a dot to them at this point.

    Thanks for your comment! 🙂

  3. pharphelonus March 10, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

    Sad when men remaian boys for so long, but it’s kind of an epidemic.

    • sorryiamnotsorry March 12, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

      Agreed. manchild syndrome is a plague on humanity lol. I would totally start a fundraising campaign to help put a stop to that epidemic!

  4. reallifeallyson March 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    It’s a sad commentary on our society if these profiles are actually working for these guys. Unfortunately, I think it might say as much about the women who answer them as the guys who post them. Come on ladies, have some dignity and self-respect, otherwise you are just encouraging more asshole-like behavior. You don’t have to be Miss Goody Goody, but don’t be with a complete jerk.

    • sorryiamnotsorry March 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

      I cannot comment on whether or not these profiles are actually effective (although I can certainly hope that they are not), but regardless I completely agree with you. Boycott the bad guys! lol

  5. Cami Koenning April 4, 2012 at 6:10 am #

    I am glad to be one of several visitants on this outstanding website (:, regards for posting .

  6. The Hook April 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

    These awards kick Oscar’s ass!
    Nice job!

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

      haha thank you! I have always felt that Oscar was a bit overrated…so are his siblings; Emmy and Tony.

  7. deborah caleb April 11, 2012 at 8:44 am #

    i find myself shuddering in the same way Mr Burns would do in “The Simpsons”.

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