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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

Online Dating: The Male Demographic

My extensive online-dating research (i.e. my continual failure to find anyone with boyfriend-potential online) has lead me to reach some interesting conclusions regarding the type of men that you will be most likely to find on these sites.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

The “Psych!”: As in, “based on my pictures you thought I was cute, but in reality I’m really unattractive with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I’ve just somehow managed to miraculously take 1-3 deceptively good pictures throughout my lifetime (which of course, are the only ones I displayed on my online dating profile)…PSYCH!”

Somehow the shadows completely concealed his uni-brow, and the angle he was standing at in combination with the passing tour bus totally blocked the excess 200 pounds of fat he’s lugging around, and the bird that just happened to fly by as the photographer yelled “cheese” conveniently blocked out the large, unidentifiable growth coming out of his neck. However, even taking all of that into account, the picture is still ten years old. You were not prepared for this. You walk in to the bar and walk right past him; it doesn’t even dawn on you that perhaps that beast could be “GoodLookin4u”…until he taps you on the shoulder. Oh, the horror.

  •  Advice: “Uh, no habla Ingles,” and RUN. Trust me, compared to how the rest of the date will go, that moment of terror was the high-point.

The “Busy Boy”: Graduate students and young professionals fall into this category that makes up a large portion of online dating site subscribers. These individuals are simply too busy working towards their degree or trying to get ahead in their career to date normally. It is truly a tragedy that despite their lack of apparent flaws and their excess of raw ambition (which I personally find to be an unparalleled aphrodisiac) they spend most of their days hidden away from the female population in high-rise office buildings and poorly-lit corners of university libraries.

  •  Pro:  The perfect option for any girl who wants to be in a relationship, but doesn’t want to feel like she has a boyfriend.
  • Con: Very likely that you will eventually be accused of making up this “boyfriend,” since no one has actually seen him (due to his sporadic availability) and because he doesn’t have a viewable Facebook page (for professional reasons), and of course, that one time he was supposed to come and have dinner with you to finally meet all of your friends he just happened to have an “office emergency.”  You’ve gotta admit; they have a pretty strong case.

The “Single Man in Mourning”: This man is fresh out of a break-up and attempting to save face by beating his ex into a new relationship. You may have a rebounder on your hands if your date somehow manages to relate ALL conversation points back to their ex (would you like a glass of wine? My ex never drank…Oh you’re in grad school? That’s great, my ex was so indecisive about what career path to take; it’s great you have direction in your life…unlike my ex.)

  • Forecast: Drunken rambling about the ex is expected later this evening with a high chance of crying after sex. And this just in from our news room…100% chance of drama.

The “Catch”: Maybe he’s new in town and doesn’t know anyone, or maybe he had been dating his high school sweetheart for the past 6 years and doesn’t know how to be single, but this guy is online dating site GOLD. He’s nice, normal, and cute!

  • Advice: Ladies, get ready to pounce on this stud like a baby deer in the Serengeti because he’ll be swept up faster than a pair of Louboutin pumps at a sample sale.

The “Player”: This guy is confident, successful and attractive. He talks about his high power job, foreign car, and favorite vacation spots in his profile. He doesn’t bother to ask your name; instead opting to address you as “Gorgeous” or “Sexy” in his ever-so-smooth messages that leave you feeling both intrigued and mildly icky. He’ll ask you out to drinks at the latest downtown bar where you will of course be VIP, or take you to dinner at a 5-star restaurant where he will wow you by ordering the most expensive bottle of Merlot.

  • Advice: Even though you may be blinded by visions of a future filled with lavish vacations, shopping sprees, and a role on the next season of Housewives of Beverly Hills, trust me; the furthest into the future that he is looking is about two hours from now in his bed. For this guy online dating is merely a quick and easy way of expanding his demographic of potential conquests.

The “Less-Than-Average Joe”: He may have graduated high school but he “ain’t spell all dat gud.” He’s a simple guy who seems nice enough despite his lack of ambition, vocabulary, and job prospects, and in spite of the 1-3 children he has managed to father by the ripe old age of 22. He’s just looking for “a gud woman 2 come home 2.”

  • Advice: If you are falling behind on your life-plan and are hell-bent on becoming a wife and mother in less than 6 months, then you’re in luck! However, if you’re anyone else (and you’re anything like me)…then you probably won’t respond to (let alone read) the messages riddled with misspellings and grammatical errors anyway.

The “Bad Boy”: He’s too cool for online dating…even though he’s a premium member…and clearly spent hours trying to make it appear in his profile that he couldn’t care less. His profile pictures show him on a motorcycle, getting a bicep tattoo, and drinking beers with a mixture of what appear to be Playboy Playmates and Hell’s Angels. His messages are never more than 5 words long, and his responses never come in less than 2 days.

  • Advice: Always wanted a barbed-wire tattoo a la Pam Anderson? Going through a quarter-life crisis and in need of a near-death experience to snap you out of it? Looking for a full-throttle, drama-ridden relationship with absolutely no long-term potential? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then feel free to answer his message. Darwin clearly has plans for you.

The “Blah Boy”: He sends you a short message that rarely warrants a response, such as: “sup?”; “How u doing?” or “hey.” You may nonetheless look at his profile only to find that your eyes would have been more entertained while staring at a beige paint swatch.

  • Advice: Keep on truckin’

xx,

K.

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28 Comments on “Online Dating: The Male Demographic”

  1. karmicdiva March 13, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    You said it perfectly. That’s the pickins we have.

  2. straightupcocktales March 13, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

    Seriously my BIGGEST pet peeve when men can’t even spell a proper sentence in a first e-mail. What phone/android/blackberry/computer doesn’t have spell/grammar check? Also, my biggest issues with ‘the catch’ tend to be a lack of chemistry. They’re the good on paper men, but I find after meeting a couple, that in real life you figure out why they are single to begin with.

    • sorryiamnotsorry March 14, 2012 at 3:55 am #

      Thanks so much for your comment- I couldn’t agree with you more! I have realized after a number of similar experiences that unfortunately you really can’t tell if there’s chemistry through a computer screen.

  3. wishfulexpat March 14, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    Love this!! But I agree, I think the Perfect-on-Paper but Charmless guy is also one of them. Credentials are there, chemistry isn’t. Or he has some other terrible flaw he failed to mention – see my Secret Cult Agent Man post: http://thebachelorettedallas.wordpress.com/2012/03/page/2/

  4. njorgensenblog March 14, 2012 at 9:02 pm #

    Your comment “Ladies, get ready to pounce on this stud like a baby deer in the Serengeti because he’ll be swept up faster than a pair of Louboutin pumps at a sample sale.” Had me rolling 🙂 Well said…

    • sorryiamnotsorry March 14, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

      hahaha thanks so much!! I’m glad you share my sense of humor!! I look forward to reading more of your blogs 🙂

  5. karmicdiva March 15, 2012 at 2:13 am #

    You’ve been nominated for the VERY INSPIRING BLOGGER AWARD. Check this page for details. http://karmicdiva.wordpress.com/

    • sorryiamnotsorry March 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

      Wow, thank you so much!! How exciting! I love your blog as well 🙂

      • karmicdiva March 15, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

        you’re very welcome

      • Lauraine November 27, 2012 at 6:37 pm #

        I just want to tell you that I am just very new to blogging and aaluclty savored this web-site. Very likely I’m planning to bookmark your site . You certainly come with remarkable posts. Kudos for sharing your web site.

  6. bestbathroombooks March 16, 2012 at 2:01 am #

    When I become gay and lose ten years, I am definitely going to follow all this advice. Meanwhile, I wlll merely appreciate your good writing skills and entertaining voice. See you ’round the bloggosphere.

    • sorryiamnotsorry March 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

      hahaha happy to be of service! I’ve been enjoying your blog as well 🙂

  7. Dating Superstar March 16, 2012 at 4:45 am #

    I feel your pain! This is so my life

  8. xoxo bb March 19, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

    Funny and so true!!!!!!!

  9. pharphelonus March 27, 2012 at 1:50 am #

    Good luck to you, or to them. LOL

    • Braden November 27, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

      Took me time to read all the comments, but I rellay enjoyed the write-up. It proved to become Pretty useful to me and I am positive to all the commenters here Its always great when you can not only be informed, but also entertained Im certain you had fun writing this write-up.

  10. forex April 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    Useful information. Lucky me I found your website unintentionally, and I am surprised why this coincidence did not came about in advance! I bookmarked it.

  11. The Hook April 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

    You’re one smart gal, you know that?

  12. Michelle April 8, 2013 at 10:01 am #

    Sadly, but also also true, this applies also to those of us nearing sixty

  13. Anonymous June 6, 2013 at 12:40 am #

    Why is this information a red flag, I am curious knowledge is power look how we’ll Obamas doing, he knew how to avoid these men and women. Comment please,,,,

  14. Anonymous June 6, 2013 at 12:47 am #

    Or you trying to insult or bully me, this speaks volumes, the information you are hiding I already has read it, I am a very shy and passive person and I really do not want to fall prey to the male or female sociopaths or you a sociopath?

  15. Anonymous June 6, 2013 at 12:51 am #

    I don’t like taking pictures sorry I am not you. Somebody told me that Jehovah Witness is a cult because it is not recognized by the world. Which religions are recognized by the world please don’t change the subject.

  16. Anonymous June 6, 2013 at 1:01 am #

    Lets me and you get dressed up and go out, and watch daddy work, so miss me with this petty as second grade bull shit, let’s talk face to face how many mistresses do you have or skeletons in your closet ok don’ t answer I already know what is your goal for this bull shit, how about transferring me to California…

  17. Anonymous June 6, 2013 at 1:04 am #

    GN i have plenty books to read Mr. Scary Bully man.

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