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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

Exposé of America’s Dating Sites: The Sick, the Twisted, and the Random

The Morally Questionable

Oww, my conscience hurts!


Marrymesugardaddy.com: Only a true gold-digger would find a way to make a profit off of gold-digging. The women on this site consist of gorgeous 20-something girls whose ample bosoms appear to compensate for their complete lack of morals.

Anastasiadate.com: Ever wish finding a significant other was as easy as buying a pair of shoes? Well on this site, it is! Simply scroll through the pictures, choose your favorite girl, make a secure payment and she will be delivered first-class via Russian Airlines right to your doorstep. And people say romance is dead..pshhhh

AshleyMadison.com: Once E-harmony.com has done its job and you’ve walked down the aisle, it’s time to graduate to this web-site: online dating for adulterers. There are no profile pictures, and anonymity as well as a successful extramarital fling is guaranteed with membership. While it may be hard to believe that people would do such a thing, 14,000,000 members certainly prove otherwise.

The Ones that are Basically Cock-Blocking Darwin

Helping these people procreate is basically a slap in the face to evolution.

STD Dating Sites: Totally bummed because you got hit with the herp and are worried you’ll never get laid in daylight again? Well, there’s still hope! Protect the general population by only bumping-uglies with people whose uglies are also disease-ridden. I hear that’s how Cinderella met Prince Charming after she got a little too reckless on Spring Break (wooooo SB 1900!!!).

Women Behind Bars: Are you the kind of guy that needs to know where your girlfriend is every minute of every day? Or perhaps you are the kind of guy that would love to have a girlfriend, but don’t actually want to spend more than 15 minutes a week with her (World of Warcraft, FTW!)…well then this website is for YOU. For a mere $3 the federal government will allow you to look at pictures and brief bios (which interestingly do NOT include the offenses committed by the eligible inmates) and begin corresponding with the lucky lady of your choice. Honestly, if this isn’t a crime…I don’t know what is.

Nolongerlonely.com: Crazy in love, or just plain crazy? Either way, this site is for you! Members on this site have a history of severe mental illness and are looking for love from someone other than their therapist (and/or their invisible friends). Better pop a Xanex before you head out on that date…brings a whole new meaning to using “restraints.”

Date Craft: Personally, I had always assumed that the generation of socially-challenged people who spend their lives glued to their La-Z-boy while playing World of Warcraft for days at a time, would eventually go extinct due to their lack of interest in procreating with anyone other than their hand and their avatar. However, this site is determined to keep that from happening. WoW fans can now get-off on swords, trolls, and whatever else is involved in that game with other people who are just as nerdy as they are. Created by WoW fans, for WoW fans…Seriously? Is there any group less qualified to start a dating site than WoW fans? That’s like asking Urkel to plan the Olympics. They may be awesome at WoW, but when it comes to dating, let’s face it…they’re total n00bs!

The Oddly Specific

Dating sites for tall and short people: datealittle.com is a site for short people to seek out people of similar stature. I can understand why a website would be necessary for this pursuit since it must be very difficult for a short person to find other short people out in public…I mean they virtually disappear in crowds; enmeshed in a sea of legs, getting clocked in the head with purses…I do not blame them at all for wanting to stay at home. Tall people, on the other hand, have no excuse. Anyone over 6 feet tall basically has a bird’s eye view of the room, giving them a genetic advantage for dating since they can narrow in on any potential mates and swoop in for the kill before a person of average height has even made it half-way to the punch bowl.

420 Dating Sites: I’m convinced that this is an elaborate sting operation being implemented by the Federal Government. It literally says “Enter to find the smokers in your area!” These websites allow you to find a significant other, as well as a dealer. After all, why smoke alone? Profile pictures show individuals taking hits from 5 foot-long bongs as well as other outlandish things that would only be impressive to those baked to the point of being blown away by their own hand.

Sea Captain Dating Site: Any excuse to wear that gaudy “Captain’s hat,” huh, Grandpa? Hey, Sea Captains need lovin’ too. Membership requires verification of your boating license, as well as apparently violating social norms by wearing the captain’s hat in any and all social settings.

FarmersOnly.com: The name seems straightforward enough, however the tagline is “You don’t have to be a farmer.” Gosh, us city-folk… always making everything so dang complicated.

The Atlasphere (dating site for Ayn Rand fans): You can just imagine the girl telling her friends about her Ayn Rand date the night before. “So things were going well, we ate some appetizers, talked about personal rights, had some wine, used the word ‘dystopia’ 47 times and didn’t give homeless people any change. Then we got back to his place and it turned out his fountainhead was as thick as ‘Atlas Shrugged’. [Ayn Rand BURN]

Big and Beautiful Dating: You better have some serious cash on hand if you want to take one of these lovely ladies out for a nice dinner. This site functions due to a niche market of men who have some sort of fetish for chub, and an abundance of women who would rather date a guy with a creepy fetish than hop on a treadmill.

Datemeandmypet.com/Purrsonals: When you reach the inevitable realization that there aren’t enough cats in the world to fill that empty feeling deep inside, it’s time to join the ranks of crazy eligible cat ladies on this site which matches people based on their compatibility with each other’s pets– not with the other person. Because if Snowball is happy, you’re happy.  Right?

Pokerfaces.net: Everyone knows that love is a gamble, but members on this site have much greater bets at stake. Gambling addicts in denial about their compulsion can use this site to find enablers significant others who share their passion for casinos, cards, and penny slots. I can just picture the wedding ceremony now…”We are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony, the ungodly amounts of debt of ‘Pocket Ace’ and ‘Lady Luck’” Aww, I’m getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it.

The Cringe-Worthy

Furry Dating: No, this isn’t a site for hairy people to meet and make bear-like babies. This site is for people who like to dress up in furry animal costumes like the mascots at a sporting event, and get busy. Bet the idea of hairy people dating isn’t sounding so bad now, huh?

Daily Diapers: New! From the creators of Forever No Longer Lonely…FINALLY a website exclusively for adult babies. Because when I think about things that the modern world desperately needs, the FIRST thing that comes to mind, is obviously a better means of aiding in the procreation of adults who get turned on by pissing themselves. For those of you who haven’t had the misfortune of having an insomnia-ridden night when the only thing on is re-runs of Strange Sex on TLC, adult babies are adults who get off on acting like a helpless little baby and having a sexualized mother-figure care for them. Somewhere Freud is doing a victory dance right now.

The Random

CyberGoth Dating: We have all heard the saying “misery loves company,” well these people have made a business out of finding company for misery. This is the perfect place to find someone who loves hating life as much as you do. I’d be willing to bet there aren’t too many people smiling in their profile pictures on this site…happy hunting!

Vampire Rave: No, this is not for those little Twi-hard fans desperately in search of their own Edward Cullen to suck their blood and impregnate them with a killer-fetus (*sigh* some girls just have all the luck). This is a site for people who actually consider themselves vampires. Think, birthdate: March 1, 1751. After all, there’s no better way for the dead to feel alive than by falling in love.

Darwindating.com: The concept is commendable however the execution is seriously flawed. It doesn’t matter if they can’t figure out how to use a can-opener, in this online world, it’s survival of the hottest. Personally I would pay good money to see Mr. Mystic Tan with 8 mirror pictures hack it in the wild for a day. However, their “potential matches” page does make for pleasurable viewing if your photo is approved and you can access the site. If you are curious as to whether you may be member-material, they have a quiz that you can take to determine whether you meet their criterion, which features deep and meaningful questions such as, “can you see the skin between your eyebrows?”

Moral of the story: If you think you are too weird to find love, Google it. There may be an entire website dedicated to people who are exactly the same kind of weird and are also looking for love.

xx,

K.

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59 Comments on “Exposé of America’s Dating Sites: The Sick, the Twisted, and the Random”

  1. Deborah DeLong April 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    Really? Really??
    I had to check them out for myself to believe them.
    Obviously, I’ve been spending WAY too much time gardening, cooking and playing with my honey bees…
    Seriously, I love your blog. My blog needs more of your sassy !! 🙂

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      hahaha yes I promise they’re all real! I would have done hyperlinks, but as I am blogging from work (per usual) I didn’t want my boss to see a search history filled with strange fetish sites LOL. Thanks for your comment and I enjoy your blog as well! xx

      • Deborah DeLong April 10, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

        You’re welcome and thanks!
        Rest assured I will continue to read your blog for inspiration and valuable information!

      • The Conservative Hill Billy April 11, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

        while none of these sites are a surprise to me, what really was an eye opener was the other evening I was having some beers at the local Applebees’ and a first date couple were texting! I don’t mean to each other, or for a short period of time! They did not say more than two words to each other for over ten minutes. Not until they were called to their table. Where was this when I was in my teens and twenties? Talk about taking the pressure off of a date. I guess it is a new world, and I am behind the times. Is Miami Vice still on Friday nights? LOL!

  2. Farah Ng @ Broken Penguins April 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

    I so wish that furry dating was for hairy people. I mean, what if you can’t see the skin between your eyebrows and aren’t a vampire?! I’m going to recommend marrymesugardaddy.com to some of my friends…

  3. Single & Existing April 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    Oh perfect. I read this after the 10 Commandments. There’s also, whatsyourprice.com. Lol. http://singleandexisting.com/2012/01/17/whats-your-price-what-are-you-seeking/

    Do you use online dating often?

  4. Single & Existing April 10, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    Reblogged this on Single & Existing and commented:
    Love’s it.

  5. Cassy April 10, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    This seriously just made my day… wow there really is someone for everyone isn’t there? Dear Lord. I am only slightly frightened… and by slightly, I mean I am going to second guess everyone I see and wonder what kind of dating site they would be members of…

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

      hahaha I know EXACTLY what you mean, I find myself doing that all the time lately. It’s a fun game I think…Categorize the Creep…annnnnd go! 😉 Thanks for your comment! xx

  6. Let's CUT the Crap! April 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    OMG, this is for REAL! The Cabbage Patch has been my home for far too long. My life has been way too sheltered.

    You have done a GREAT deal of work on this survey. If nothing else, it makes us aware. On the other hand . . . UGH. Oh well, to each his own.

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

      Thank you so much!! Glad you enjoyed the post! It was definitely an eye-opening experience doing the research for this piece haha

  7. Suman Doogar April 10, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

    You are Awesome….I am so impressed by your writing…

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

      Thank you so much for your comment!! I’m really glad that you like the blog! 🙂 xx

    • Monkey May 17, 2017 at 11:32 pm #

      Thank you so much for this arlctie, it saved me time!

  8. Medic April 10, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

    Reading your blog I discovered two new single websites, the Women behind bars and Daily diapers ………. OMG 😮 ……. you made my day ………. although they are not my type nor the Furry dating website ………. they do give a chance to expand your horizon and seek out new things and to boldly go where no one has gone before

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:34 pm #

      haha, if researching for this article has taught me anything…it’s that there is really nowhere that no one has gone before LOL. Thanks for your comment! 🙂

  9. snarkysnatch April 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    Shared on my Facebook luv. Great piece! Sadly, I know of many of these sites already. Men from my POF dating pool also align their profiles there. Dating in Cleveland. Gotta love it.

  10. kikiflores April 10, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    Peeed my pants!!! & smdh. Luvd this

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:34 pm #

      Thank you so much!!! I’m so glad that you share my sense of humour!! xx

  11. bananastick3rs April 10, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    This is FASCINATING…thank you for reminding me that adult babies and furries exist… I can defer to that on days when I feel like I’m too weird to leave the house… good stuff 🙂

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

      hahaha I aim to please 😉 thanks so much for your comment!! xx

  12. 68ghia April 10, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    Really enjoyed reading this!!
    At least I know I’m kinda normal 😉
    Thankfully, my web dating days are over – no more strange creatures to keep at bay 😉

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 10, 2012 at 5:49 pm #

      haha lucky for you! I’m glad you enjoyed the post! Thanks for your comment 🙂

  13. Max C April 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    Wow, this is an unsettling/hilarious list of dating websites. And I thought OkCupid was crazy enough. But you have a very good point, there is love for almost everyone, I still can’t wrap my mind over some of these sites. Haha! 🙂

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 10, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

      haha I feel the same way. I definitely took the creepiest possible route to get to a sentimental message- but I think it got my point across haha. Thanks for your comment!! 🙂

  14. stevesw April 10, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

    Oooops, you missed The Ugly Bug Ball the dating site for astatically challenged people.

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

      I was keeping that one on the DL so I could have it all for myself 😉 haha totally kidding of course, but now I actually will have to check it out!! Thanks for your comment! 🙂

      • stevesw April 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

        Be careful, last year after seeing a news article about them, I checked it out for a post on aesthetically challenged dating, and I still get weekly emails from them. (No, I did not send them a picture 😉 )

  15. theyearofwhatif April 10, 2012 at 7:44 pm #

    Sweet Jesus…I sometimes think back on my single days wistfully…but this is NOT one of those times.

  16. redcactus April 10, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

    OMG! I never thought there would be so many weird dating sites! Thanks for sharing, it was a laugh! (And thanks for following)

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

      Thanks so much for the comment! I’m always happy to follow an awesome blog! 🙂

      • redcactus April 11, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

        *bow* 😀
        I hope I’ll keep up pleasing you 🙂

  17. bonaru April 10, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    I love your writing style! The Sea Captain dating site made me think of Captain Haddock from the Tintin comics. 🙂

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

      haha YESSS I hadn’t thought of that until you said it! Nailed it! Thanks for your comment! xx

  18. amhughes01 April 11, 2012 at 2:02 am #

    Your blog is ridonkerously entertaining and well written! Keep up the good work!

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

      haha thanks so much!! Will do! Keep checking back for new posts! 🙂

  19. sassyfran April 11, 2012 at 2:06 am #

    Cool I was checking out this link for a friend though I know she would not like any of the websites I can definitely tell her that is someone for her out there. LOL she is a very none experimental person and not good surfing the internet but if she just puts in a bit of effort she can find someone. Thanks for sharing.

  20. pharphelonus April 11, 2012 at 2:21 am #

    What ever happened to meeting someone in the produce dept? LOL

  21. Megan F. Daniels April 11, 2012 at 4:18 am #

    I do not know what it worse: 1)The fact that all the dating websites that you listed are strange in general, or 2) the fact that I know the guys behind Anastasiadate.com because they work on the site/do business using Free WiFi at a cafe that I used to work at.

    Besides that point, you’re blogs are very original and entertaining. Looking forward to future blog posts.

  22. victoriasvisits April 11, 2012 at 5:22 am #

    Sorry, I have seriously got to stop reading your blog after ice cream. Oh, man, I laughed so hard my abs got a headache. Wow! I COULD NOT believe this column was for real! I still think you’re a stuffy old professor somewhere, or an impoverished writer in some scummy closet loft off Times Square waiting for her big break. It’ll be such a kick to say ‘I knew her when she had less than a thousand followers!” Keep it up!

    Victoria

  23. evea192 April 11, 2012 at 7:28 am #

    Human Vampire Dating Site?, thats coooolllll……

  24. MJ, Nonstepmom April 11, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

    I knew it was getting bad but I had nooooo idea ! Isnt there a “nicenormalguy.com” ? The ones that really get me are the sites for cheating spouses (“ashleymadison” & such) ….so pathetic ! Well, if you lower your standards enough , at least you know where to look !

  25. DVR April 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

    well written article… there should a category for bald people as well 🙂

    • Carl D'Agostino April 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

      Dear Chic chick. I am 62 and live 2 miles from Miami Beach. I have a Buick that runs most of the time and have been to a movie 3 times in the last 5 years so you see I am quite a player. I also have almost $180 stashed in the credit union.

  26. Offer April 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    Hi there K. Have only just recently started reading your blog (thanks for the Follow on mine in return, btw), but my goodness I enjoy your writing so much. I especially like your perspective and unabashed take on things, and how you artfully manage to mix wisdom and insight with humor. It’s a skill. Looking forward to reading more. All the best, and cheers! PS. Exhaustive (rather frightening) survey, you’ve done. Speaks volumes about the human need for “love”, in all its many splendored forms. Ciao!

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

      I am so flattered! I think I might be blushing haha. Thank you so much for your kind words- your feedback is both welcomed and appreciated 🙂 I am enjoying your blog as well! Thank you so much for your comment again, and I’m so happy to hear that you are enjoying my writing!! xx

  27. Spookysister7 April 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    Whoa! Nice list. Made me laugh! 😀

  28. singer51781 April 11, 2012 at 6:04 pm #

    I had no idea that the nolongerlonely site existed. You have great blogs… however, I do have to say I have known of people who had mental illness and were properly medicated and married people without mental illness. They had great families, and they were also pretty successful people. It just hurts to see how people view those with mental illness, that they only deserve mentally ill people, but everybody has some kind of baggage. I believed myself because of my prior diagnoses that I didn’t deserve a good man, so I almost married an abusive one.

    • singer51781 April 11, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

      I checked out the darwindating.com one! OMG! I fit into like half of those categories. HAHA

  29. DaNdi BRptm April 11, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

    You’ve got set up your fabulous online dating user profile. You’ve got scanned the actual results and see a complete slew of females you happen to be drawn to. You’ve weeded your lunatics…online dating tips

  30. versipellusfenris April 11, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

    Almost makes me wish I wasn’t married so I could join the Atlassphere; the only dating site (presumably) where personality traits like “kind to others” and/or “generous lover who takes direction well” would be considered flaws. Just like my parents always said; “being selfish is awesome so don’t share your toys with your brothers”.

  31. miteamshirts April 11, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    Hi there. Being a stewwpid Brit I had no idea these sites existed. Thanks for enlightening me.
    Great blog. Will follow you.What’s with the shades? Is there a hooking up site for shady folks also? Just joking lol xxx

  32. Gold and silver April 12, 2012 at 3:41 am #

    This a a nice post. I’m continuously reading this blog. Its enjoyable.

  33. Soma Mukherjee April 12, 2012 at 8:41 am #

    OMG I really thought you made up those names until i checked the first one..Am real sorry for doubting you 🙂
    You have wriiten such beautiful things about them if this doesn’t boost their memberships i wonder what will. 😆
    In fact they must pay you…
    My god you have an amazing sense of humour. what a hilarious post.You made my day.
    Have a lovey day 🙂

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 12, 2012 at 8:53 am #

      Your comment just made MY day!! 🙂 I’m so happy that you enjoyed the post! I’m looking forward to reading more of your work as well! xx

  34. Cayden May 17, 2017 at 11:27 pm #

    If you’re looking to buy these artlcies make it way easier.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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