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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

Are You a Stage 5 Clinger?

For those of you who haven’t seen Wedding Crashers, a stage 5 clinger is a member of the opposite sex who becomes exceedingly attached to someone in an unreasonably short period of time. You know the type:  they want to be in constant contact, they text you “just because” every 5-7 minutes, they start planning the wedding and naming your unborn children after the first date, they book weekend getaways six months into the future when you’ve known each other for less than a week, and when all of this starts to get a bit overwhelming and you try to get a little space…well, let’s just say this clinger never met a restraining order that they didn’t like.

I have noticed a tendency for people to automatically assume that a stage 5 clinger is a woman. However, I can say that that stereotype is misguided. I don’t deny that there are female clingers, I simply stipulate that there are also an unreasonable amount of needy men out there (and I have an inbox busting at the seams with unwanted texts to prove it). So, in an effort to avoid making a habit out of changing my phone number, I’m simply going to make an appeal to all the clingers out there to change their ways. I have prepared a quiz to help you in this endeavor.

You may be a clinger if:

  • You jump the gun: You’ve hooked up once or twice, but you tell all of your friends that you’re “practically boyfriend/girlfriend”  (after all, if enough people start to believe you two are dating, maybe he’ll just accept it as reality, right?
  • You develop a Rain Man-like obsession with your phone: You go days without showering because you are scared that the second you abandon your phone he/she will call. Every creak sends you frantically lunging for your phone in hopes that it’s a text from your beloved, and when you stare at the blank screen you can literally feel your heart sinking. (Note: Apple Insurance doesn’t cover crazy, so no matter how devastated you are by the lack of texts, don’t take it out on your iPhone by throwing it across your room in a fit of rage.)
  • You start to think that you missed your calling as a private investigator: You spend hours on his/her Facebook, scrolling through his/her wall timeline and scoping out any possible competition. You know the name and location of every remotely attractive person that has posted on their wall timeline in the last fiscal year, and you better believe you’ve read all of their wall-to-wall conversations. If they’re tagged in a picture, you know about it before they do.
  • You make your beloved feel like they are walking through a mine-field every time they are online: They sign on to gchat and breathe a sigh of relief that you aren’t online, but SURPRISE! You were just hiding in ‘invisible mode’ to lure them out, your message box full of kissy faces and ‘I miss youuuu’s pops up on their screen and they quickly X out of gmail but this does not deter you and you initiate a Facebook chat. “Oh crap!” They think “I totally forgot that feature existed!” They frantically close the whole internet browser, and just when they think they’re free and clear that little song starts playing on their computer…the song that plays when you SKYPE someone. Yes, that’s right, you Skyped their ass! “OMG, I didn’t even know I was signed in!” “It’s not worth it,” they say as they slam shut their Macbook Pro, only to immediately hear their phone vibrate. Of course it’s a text from you. You noticed they signed offline abruptly and you just wanted to make sure everything was alright. ‘Are you mad at me baby????’ says the text which you will resend every 5-10 minutes until you get a response. While your beloved is slamming their head against the wall and wondering what they have gotten themselves into, you take the liberty of befriending all of their roommates on Facebook, initiating a chat, and inviting yourself over. It’s always better to talk about these things in person anyway, you think to yourself.
  • Secret Weapon: When you start to sense that your beloved it pulling away, it’s time to dive into your arsenal and bust out the bazooka: GUILT! Maybe something terrible happened to your imaginary friend, or you get fired from your nonexistent job, maybe this is the first time since your divorce that you felt like it might be possible to love again, maybe you were just so excited to have found someone so amazing, or maybe you think you’re pregnant (and that it’s his…it has to be, after all he was your first, right? Ha.). The aim of the game is simply to make the other person feel like such an awful human being that they must atone for their sins by spending time with you. (Aww, how romantic! Obviously this is how all classic love stories begin.)
  • You enjoy using the element of surprise to your advantage:  “Oh my gosh, I had NO idea that you got your coffee here at this Starbucks at the intersection of South St. and Elm Rd. every Monday through Friday morning at approximately 7:05 a.m.! What are the odds!? We clearly have so much in common.” Unless you’re Ed McMahon and are carrying a giant check, this is NOT okay. Stalking is not cute, ever. A burlap sack full of kittens could stalk Justin Beiber and it would still not be cute.

Moral of the story: Get it together boys and girls! Desperation is NOT sexy.

xx,

K.

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30 Comments on “Are You a Stage 5 Clinger?”

  1. deanjbaker April 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

    I enjoy your work

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 19, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

      thanks so much!! I enjoy your’s as well 🙂

      • deanjbaker April 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

        join me on Facebook 🙂

        also have some elsewhere I can tell you about then..

  2. juliep2012 April 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    So true but it’s easier said than done… you need a lot of self control, which you obviously have more of than I do!

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

      haha my only problem seems to be dating clingers. I just focus on enjoying my life and let the boys come to me 🙂 They do love a good chase.

  3. juliep2012 April 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

    True about men…. the problem is I’m not into them so not quite as easy!

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

      Haha, you’re right! I’m glad you commented- I’m looking through your blog and it’s phenom! 🙂 I’ll def keep up with it! xx

  4. Worldly Winds April 19, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

    Haha brilliant! How do you subtly tell your friend they are a stage 5 clinger? Mmmm maybe I’ll just share your post with them 😀

    • sorryiamnotsorry April 19, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

      haha smooth! I’m happy to be the bad guy 😉 thanks so much for your comment! xx

  5. juliep2012 April 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

    Aw thanks… I’m pretty new to this blogging so quite experimental at moment. It is fun though and you’re is always interesting and entertaining to read.

  6. Let's CUT the Crap! April 19, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    Makes you want to run. Like you mentioned, people assume clingers are women. Nada. Good subject you’ve brought up here.

  7. Cassy April 19, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    Ahahahaha… I love this so much…Your writing skills are amazing. I always end up laughing, but I am also getting informed at the same time… I sense a lot of clingers are going to be getting this link sent to them….

  8. singer51781 April 19, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    I’ve run into a lot of clingers. Very annoying. I get the ones who get very angry if I don’t text or call back though. Ick.

  9. redcactus April 19, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    I met one at a wedding. He said he had already planned to move to a location that was closer to where I live…. Creepy!!

  10. smilepua April 19, 2012 at 10:03 pm #

    One of my old clients is easily the worst clinger I have ever seen! I felt awful for the girls he was basically stalking. He is actually the only person whose business I have turned down because I couldn’t help him! He feels like there is a very small pool of women for him to choose from so he looked at every interaction with a woman as his last chance to find a woman to settle down with.

  11. 68ghia April 20, 2012 at 3:34 am #

    Oh thank Heavens this has not happened to me…yet 😉
    And I’m so stand offish when I meet a new guy, he’s the one wondering if there’s anything going on or not 😉

  12. Show Your Mind April 20, 2012 at 4:02 am #

    It sucks ass when you deal with any person that has zero emotional confidence. They can’t be left alone with their thoughts. I understand because I was like that at one point. Really it is just a sign of someone who is insecure and lacks confidence. I truly feel bad for these people that are slaves to their emotion, it took me a long time to gain the emotional control I’ve gained thus far.

  13. jennysserendipity April 20, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    Great post!

  14. Farah Ng @ Broken Penguins April 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    OMG hilarious and scary – depending on which end you’re on. Apple Insurance doesn’t cover crazy. Love it. Technology has taken the romance and mystery out of dating.

  15. brownponytail April 20, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    love your style, it’s so real. x

  16. ati_minmiin April 20, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

    Gosh! It does happened to me 3 years ago. Met this guy on facebook. We only have a few random chats and he seems normal to me but later he sent a lot of messages telling me he wanted to be more than just friends. I didn’t reply to any of his messages because i don’t think i need to. Luckily i didn’t give him my phone number and he keeps on harassing my friend asking what had happened to me and he was worried and (my mistake of putting the info of the place i work)he or ‘one of his brothers'(as he claimed he was..i wasn’t there at the time) came to my workplace holding my picture which he had printed out and handed to my colleague, 2 paper bags full of goodies and a note begging me to call him back because he thinks that maybe we can have a shot being together since we shared the same interest and loads of plush toys and one half of a baby shoe and the other half is with him (sort of like a a pair of he and she tshirt). Yes i love children but he just made me look like a pedophile. I just missed him by a few minutes when i reached my lab and to think that he might standing somewhere lurking in the dark and stalking me while on my way back to my lab and he actually knew where i work really creeps me out. So, i’ve deleted my facebook and happy and use my car instead of using public transport because you never know when this guy gonna pop up behind your bag and God knows what he’ll do. Moral of the story, never be too friendly as some people might think it another way. Never reveal anything about you and that goes to your pictures as well. Also just add the people you knew or if you can’t handle it (like me..hehe) deaxtivate your facebook account. Wow,that’s a long comment! 🙂

  17. Lindy Lee April 21, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

    Knew a kid like this in high school. He dated every one of us, who was stupid enough to ge out with him, and told every one of us, “I love you”. Now, how could that be possible?

  18. d_vaz April 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

    I am happy to say that I am not a stage 5 clinger. But I think everyone can get a little crazy every now and then.

  19. ariella42 June 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    That sounds exactly like my ex.

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