About the Post

Author Information

I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

When a Cooties Shot Won’t Cut it

I’m Back Bitches, and I Brought Some LOLZ

Just because you got your cooties shot doesn’t mean that you’re in the clear. As it turns out, there are a host of other man-specific-ailments that a circle-circle-dot-dot regimen may not be able to prevent. I’ve high-lighted some of the most common ones below:

 

Peter Pan Syndrome (a.k.a. “Man-Child” Syndrome)

A chronic condition in which a man clings to his boyhood immaturity and avoids taking on any responsibility that could lead to classification as a “grown up.”

  • Symptoms may include: whining and elaborate excuse-making when asked to do anything remotely grown-up (i.e. anything that requires wearing a suit and anything that their mother would have done when they were growing up such as cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, taking out the trash, etc. They still haven’t realized that those responsibilities are transferable); inability to commit or make major life decisions resulting in a rather stagnant existence fueled by drunken nights with his bros, X-box marathons, and wearing basketball shorts for days on end.
Commitment Allergy:
Every girl has met this guy. He’s perfect for you: he has all the pieces of a perfect boyfriend and you’re doe-eyed and swooning by the end of the third date, which is around the time that he decides to drop the all-too-common “I’m really not looking for a relationship” bomb. Your heart sinks a little but you really like him so you throw back “ha, me neither…relationships are gross…” while you secretly resolve to win him over.
  • WARNING: The more effort you invest in “curing him” (i.e. getting him to commit), the worse his condition will become. Ironically the best treatment for this condition is to act as though you, yourself are afflicted. If it becomes apparent to him from the get-go that you have no interest in being tied-down by a relationship this disease will be more likely to go into remission (i.e. he will be more likely to let his guard down).
Relationship ADD (a.k.a. “Restless Dick Syndrome”):
This guy loves the thrill of the chase, but once he actually wins over the girl he has been chasing the excitement is gone and he becomes distracted by the thought of chasing down someone new.
  • Symptoms: Unfortunately the nature of this condition can make it difficult to diagnose prior to being wined, dined, and cast-aside, however there are some signs. He may seem unreasonably eager to “win you over,” and he may come on very strong initially. Additional signs may be discovered by inquiring about his past love life. If he has never had a serious relationship, or seems to encounter a spurned ex-lover wherever he goes, it’s probably safe to assume that he has Relationship ADD, and trust me girl, you won’t be his Ritalin.

HemWHOREoids:

An ailment that is frequently misdiagnosed as Relationship ADD, in which the affected man has an inexplicable urge to bed as many women as possible. Men who are afflicted with this are 78% more likely to additionally suffer from the following condition:

 

Gone-orrhea:

You had a magical dinner followed by a night of passion. You wake up smiling only to find that homeboy has made like a banana and split in the middle of the night.

 

PMS (Pre-marital syndrome):

A sudden-onset condition that afflicts many men when they reach the point in their relationship when it becomes apparent that they are expected to propose.

  • Symptoms may include: A sudden aversion to commitment of any kind (“WHAT? Netflix requires a monthly subscription!? What happened to the days when you could just watch a movie and then return it? And then get another movie…or another…I mean, I want a movie not a mortgage….Right? AMIRIGHT?); denial about the seriousness of your relationship (“Your mom asked how I was doing? Ha…ha…*wipes sweat from his brow* doesn’t she have anything more important to worry about than the guy that her daughter kind of knows, I mean…maybe she should play some bridge.”); going to great lengths to prove that he has not become entirely predictable (anticipate missed date nights (“what date night? We don’t do that….”), and the breaking of any cute couple-ish habits that you’ve developed together)

Machonucleosis:

Anyone who has seen the Jersey Shore knows exactly why a macho-Guido man may not be boyfriend material (see: GTL).

  • Symptoms may include: Unexplained bouts of rage; an inexplicable need to be perceived as dominant by initiating drunken bar fights; refusal to communicate resulting in misplaced anger; inability to connect emotionally opting instead for frequent and casual sexual encounters; requiring more personal maintenance (i.e. body waxing, tanning, hair styling, etc.) than their female counterpart; spending more nights at the gym than with his significant other; maintaining a Blood Alcohol Level of no less than .10 at any given time.

OCD (Obviously still in the Closet Disorder a.k.a. Fabulosis):

Back in my high school days I bearded enough tween-queens to empathize with the complexities of coming out, but I didn’t expect that I would still be playing match-maker to my exes in my mid-20’s. Moral of the story: Embrace who you are or you will be forced to share awkward embraces with your faux-GF while secretly fantasizing about Ryan Reynolds. Please note: I will support you regardless of your decision, but I fully encourage you to be yourself and own it like this season’s Prada loafers.

  • Symptoms may include: Seeming too good to be true- he is well-dressed, respectful, fun, actually listens and enjoys talking about the things that you’re interested in, and doesn’t pressure you (at all) to get physical.

Ex-girlfriend Reflux:

She was the girlfriend to which all future girlfriends will be compared. Everything you can’t do she did, and everything you do she did better. It’s not really about the girl- it’s a subconscious stall-tactic. The ex who has been promoted to arch-angel-status in his mind, provides him with a standard which can never be met, and consequently, with an excuse to avoid settling down. Don’t waste your energy attempting to out-do the ex; he will become disillusioned with her when he matures and becomes ready to commit.

 

Emotion sickness:

You always wanted a man who was more open with his feelings…until you met one who suffered from emotion sickness. Dating him is like riding a roller-coaster. He is jealous, angry, insecure, apologetic, tearful and full of remorse, and anxious and convinced that you’re going to leave him all before you’ve reached the restaurant. Why is he like this? Who knows. The more important question is why you’re sticking around long enough to ask. High-tail it out of there, chica!

The best way to avoid getting love-sick over a truly sick boy is to take your time getting to know him. Time heals all wounds and reveals all crazy. True story.

xx,

K.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

46 Comments on “When a Cooties Shot Won’t Cut it”

  1. L June 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

    This totally made my day. Awesome!

    • sorryiamnotsorry June 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm #

      Thanks so much!! I’m so glad that you enjoyed it 🙂

      • Anjali May 4, 2013 at 5:17 am #

        Yet another thing I would like to talk about is that in place of trynig to fit all your online degree classes on days that you complete work (considering that people are worn out when they get back), try to receive most of your lessons on the saturdays and sundays and only a few courses for weekdays, even if it means a little time away from your saturdays. This is beneficial because on the weekends, you will be more rested plus concentrated in school work. Thx for the different ideas I have discovered from your site.

      • car insurance quote Newark August 23, 2013 at 8:44 am #

        Great article but it didn’t have everything-I didn’t find the kitchen sink!

      • Jamshaid October 23, 2013 at 10:45 am #

        JOIN TEAM JOEY NATION!BUFFALO WILD WINGS IN AUBURN, IN Wednesday NOV. 14th from 6-8(Come on out!) You may contact for conopus. 10% of all food purchases will be donated to help JOEY!**TEAM JOEY Christmas Extravaganza** Mark your Calendar!!Date: November 17th, 2012Time: 12:00pm 5:00pmLocation: Auburn First Christian Church,910 N. Indiana Ave. Auburn, IN (Just south of Rieke Park) SANTA will be there for a photo Opp, bring your camera, take all the pictures you need and make your Christmas Cards perfect, coloring table for kids to color pages for the Keller’s, Party lite candles, Premier Designs, a Certified Massage Therapist (for on the spot massage), home made Jams, bake sale, 31, Vault Denim, home made blankets, scarves and purses and many more things! SILENT AUCTION: Debrands chocolates gift baskets, American doll clothes, Cookie cottage gift baskets, Italian Grille gift cert, Albright’s Grocery gift Cert., movie baskets, longaberger baskets, Vera Bradley Bags and MUCH MUCH MORE! Please join us in making this a SUCCESS FOR JOEY!!!! Please share and mark your Calendar!

  2. asoulwalker June 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    Some of these are pretty funny.

  3. Katie June 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    I have spotted a few of these 8)

  4. redcactus June 3, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    That was a fun read, for sure 🙂 I’ve met my fair share of those.

  5. Lola June 3, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    Let’s not forget the full on sociopathic relationship carrot dangler. Run away!!!

  6. Cassy June 3, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

    Ah, I missed you! This is freakin’ awesome… love the list… creative but true!

  7. seakist June 3, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

    When I was single I remember the worse ones of all — the ones that started out great and they’d ruin it with their insecure overkill: calling 10x a day; showing up unexpectedly at your place of business; getting pissed if you wanted some time to yourself; following you into the bathroom at a nightclub, etc.

    • sorryiamnotsorry June 3, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

      Ah yes, the Stage 5 clingers haha- I actually wrote a post on that.

      • seakist June 3, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

        Ooh, I gotta find that one! Thanks! (You’re terrific, you answer all your comments — that is just so cool and very nice!)

  8. Carolina Courtland June 3, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    That was amazing. Well done.

  9. d_vaz June 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    I’ve missed your posts, glad you’re back.

  10. kerynrobinsonartist June 3, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    LOVE. And respect.

  11. Kinked Slinky June 3, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    The OCD ones are OK……great to go shopping & hang out with !

    • sorryiamnotsorry June 3, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      Yes! While they may score low in the long-term potential category, they remain some of the best boyfriends I’ve ever had haha

  12. Dating Superstar June 3, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

    I’ve missed your blog, kind of ironic the day you return to blogging I’m basically saying goodbye (I met someone, so Dating Superstar is retiring)

    • sorryiamnotsorry June 3, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

      Aww, I will miss your blog! But there are plenty of lessons to be learned and stories to be told even while in a relationship, so maybe it’s not goodbye forever 🙂 I am so happy that you met someone though, congratulations! I wish you all the best! xx

  13. Soma Mukherjee June 4, 2012 at 3:03 am #

    Ha ha ha oh man this is one hilarious, what a fun write up. you have such a good sense of humour. loved reading it and was laughing like a maniac,may have lost job but am happy 😉

    • sorryiamnotsorry June 4, 2012 at 8:26 am #

      hahaha I’m so glad you enjoyed it–and that you share my sense of humour!! 🙂 xx

  14. janereads June 4, 2012 at 6:03 am #

    I’m glad you’re back. Great post!

  15. John the Aussie June 4, 2012 at 6:15 am #

    I just read this allowed to the wife, she is demanding a female version to see if she fails to fall into a sickness as well (as me).

  16. 29tolife June 4, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Too funny! You’ve done it again!

  17. versipellusfenris June 4, 2012 at 9:50 am #

    Good to see you’re back, I was beginning to wonder where you’d been. Great post, I enjoyed it thoroughly and actually suspect I am disease free (which may be a different disease altogether; delusions of grandeur mayhaps).

    • sorryiamnotsorry June 4, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      hahaha I love it! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post and I’m excited to be back 🙂

  18. Smile June 4, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    It’s funny you wrote this because I was actually thinking about writing a similar post about women, looks like I’m going to have to scratch that! Well written and entertaining as always.

    • sorryiamnotsorry June 4, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

      well you know what they say about great minds lol. Thanks for the comment!

  19. Offer June 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

    Welcome back, my dear! I most definitely have missed your wit and wisdom, but it’s all good now. Cheers!

  20. Anonymous August 19, 2012 at 9:36 am #

    your hot

  21. Anonymous August 19, 2012 at 9:39 am #

    you loke good

  22. Djshn March 3, 2013 at 7:10 pm #

    So I’m trapped in the car for 8 hours driivng home so I thought FINALLY I have time to get through your blog. Wow so impressive! You are incredibly talented and have definitely found what you’re supposed to be doing. You not only have not only created all of these memories for my family but for all of these families even your own! I don’t know how you made my maternity pix turn out as beautiful as they did considering I was actually a sweaty mess, but a big thank you! I will always treasure the ones of me and Ava. And only we know that she got to eat ice cream for lunch that day for her cooperation. . Thanks for sending the other links too. I have to get my act together and get some of those put on canvas if I can get your help with that. I had forgotten how striking that they are. I just want to pinch Ava’s sweet cheeks. Thank you again for all that you’ve done for us!

  23. hnbjllbkmv March 7, 2013 at 6:07 am #

    eJcTLv zgaulqfpaxoq

talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: