At approximately 4 p.m. on Halloween day I made the worst decision that anyone can make at 4 p.m. on Halloween day: I went to Party City. I spent the next 45 minutes grabbing on to long grey wigs and Freddy masks to avoid being swept away by the crowds of crazed shoppers, all desperate to create a novel costume from the pittance of odds and ends littering the baron aisles of the store. I saw two year olds and twenty year olds in tug-of-wars over the same one-size-fits-all fairy costumes. It made me wonder…why?
I’m not sure what Halloween was originally intended to celebrate…the Patron Saint of Pumpkins? Candy Manufacturers? Mass-Murders? Hard to say. In any case, it now celebrates a sugar-fueled night of bad decisions in which females aged 6 months through forty years, dress, as Teresa of the Real Housewives of New Jersey would say, like “prostitution whores” (cue table-flip).
Halloween turns the tables on pedophiles. Little girls dressed up like promiscuous princesses making house calls? It’s the stuff Dateline is made of. When I asked a juvenile go-go dancer what the point of Halloween was, she responded (after extorting 2 Kit-Kat bars from me), that it’s the one night a year where you can be whatever you want to be. That is a lovely concept, but if it were true, it would appear that females almost universally want to be sluts.
While there is clearly a lot that I don’t understand about this holiday, I am somewhat of an expert when it comes to celebrating it. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to share with you some of the wisdom I have gleaned from my annual post-Halloween shambles.
1. 9 out of 10 men dressed up as superman have fake muscles. Find out whether his abs of steel were included with his superman costume before you take him home, or you could be in for a less-than-super surprise.
2. It’s okay to take candy from strangers on Halloween, but getting in unmarked vans is still off limits.
3. Ironically, the morning after Halloween is the scariest part.
- You wake-up between Goldilocks and the Tin Man, lopsidedly stagger to the bathroom with one stripper heel snagged on your tattered fishnets and stare in horror at your reflection. You have…a feather? in your hair, you appear to have stolen a set of wings, your face is a mess of glitter and disastrous eye make-up, you have an “I Voted” sticker on your forehead and a fake eyelash the size of a hand dangling from your cheek. Oh, and one tit is dangling out of your ever-so-classy corset. Your cell phone is nowhere to be found, but the wall clock says that you’re two hours late for work…or possibly 14 hours late for work…is it a.m. or p.m.? What day is it? Crap.
4. What happens on Halloween WILL be on Facebook for months to come. Fix your privacy settings ahead of time—The ability to approve photos before they’re posted will likely also become the ability to get a job someday.
5. It’s cool to care about Halloween
- If you care a lot about Christmas or Easter people tend to assume that you’re either religious or had a happy childhood- both of which can have a tendency to garner resentment from the masses. But on Halloween it’s cool to care. If you spent hours coming up with a clever costume, you will be praised with shots and high-fives. So go ahead and indulge your over-achieving, holiday-loving tendencies and go all out.
6. Thanks to Mitt Romney “Hey girl…wanna get in my binder?” Is officially a pick-up line. Ladies, if you really want to indulge this pseudo-political come-on, don’t settle for less than a 5-Star binder with D-Ring closures. After all, a girl’s gotta have standards.
7. Don’t be the only one to wear a Halloween costume to work.
- I know. It’s exciting: it’s a mid-week holiday and you probably spent more money and time than you would care to admit on your costume. Plus, this is your chance to let your co-workers know how cool/edgy/politically informed/skinny/clever/ironic you are with your chosen garb. But trust, there’s a reason that Little Bo Peep and the Disney Princesses never had full-time jobs. No one trusts a chick in a petticoat to handle the annual expense reports. Want to be taken seriously in the workplace? Leave the ruffled knee socks at home.
8. Don’t have a one-night-stand with anyone covered in body paint…unless you’re confident that the hook-up will be worth more to you than the retail value of new bedding.
9. Couples costumes? Really?
- I get it. You have a significant other. Want to know the fastest way to change that? Suggest that you go out on Halloween night together dressed as Peanut Butter and Jelly; Salt and Pepper; or Ketchup and Mustard. Seriously, why all the condiments? I’m pretty sure that there is nothing less sexy in my fridge than the crusty bottle of store-brand Ketchup. Maybe that would be an appropriate metaphor for a couple that has been together 50+ years and the romance is dead and all hope of ever having decent sex again has been lost, but you’re young. You are not a shaker of salt or a jar of freaking jelly. Halloween night is your night to be the sluttiest possible version of whatever you have ever wanted to be; don’t sacrifice that opportunity in an effort to prove how super serious your relationship is.
10. Post-Halloween Walk-of-Shame Parade
- If you are awake and functional on the morning of November 1st, you will be rewarded with more than just a lack of hangover and a day of productivity that hard-partiers will never get back. You will get to bare witness to the epic parade of shame that takes place when hundreds of scantily clad co-eds wake-up on G.I. Joe’s futon and are forced to face the cold light of day. While they are looking at their life choices, you will be looking at them. And judging them. Hard.
- This is one of the few times in life where you WANT to be on the sidelines. If you make it home before 6 a.m. you have earned the license to judge. This can be easily accomplished with a pre-set cell phone alarm and a cab.
Until next time, don’t forget to floss.
K.
Cool 🙂
I kinda love the whole slutty costume aspect. LOL
Thanks so much for reading! Glad you enjoyed it! xx
I have obviously been doing something wrong or going to the wrong parties. 8)
Just follow the naughty nurses. They always know where the party is at 😉 Thanks for reading! xx
Love the Van Picture!
i had to look after 2 teens so was very good
Absolutely fantastic post,party customs .jalal
Thanks so much! So glad you enjoyed it! xx
Slutoween costumes rock…
Outrageously funny post. Loved your take on the conversation with the juvi go-go girl: “it’s the one night a year where you can be whatever you want to be. That is a lovely concept, but if it were true, it would appear that females almost universally want to be sluts.”
Thanks so much! So glad you enjoyed it! 🙂 xx
All I can say was that it used to be so much simpler and wholesome when I was younger. You’d dress up in your Rocky Horror Picture Show costume, bring a loaf of bread to throw at the movie screen (and to soak up all the booze you sloshed down the front of your corset) and bang the usher on the way out of the theater. Kids these days….
Haha, I do love some Rocky Whore-or.
This was brilliant! One of the best reads I’ve come across in.. too long, actually!
Thank you so much for your comment! Made my day 🙂 xx
Found this, just in case:
“Samhain was the original festival that the Western Christian calendar moved its “All Saints’ Day” to (Eastern Christians continue to celebrate All Saints’ Day in the spring, as the Roman Christians had originally). Since the Celts, like many cultures, started every day at sunset of the night before, Samhain became the “evening” of “All Hallows” (“hallowed” = “holy” = “saint”) which was eventually contracted into “Hallow-e’en” or the modern “Halloween.”
From: http://www.neopagan.net/Halloween-Origins.html
Hilarious Post! I loved it!!!
Scott
I had to do my “walk of shame” covered in fake blood and ripped up zombie clothes. I have to say it was pretty awesome when an old lady asked me if I had a “bloody affair”.
#7 is definitely the One. Don’t be the only person at work in costume, or at least, don’t half-ass it. Then people will wonder if it IS a costume, or if you’re just a crappy dresser.
I worked some long hours on Halloween this year and when I got to my bar and it was filled with hipsters in costumes, I was a little irritated. When the third person asked me what my costume was, I just snarled “Irony”. Hushed respect followed.
I got free booze the rest of the night.
Well played, Sir. Well played.
I have nominated you #3 for a Very Inspirational Blog Award…Congratulations for being so inspiring! You can visit this post here…
http://imagineteenagelife.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/thank-you-elixir-very-inspiring-blog-award/
Thank you so much!! Very honored 🙂
Wishing you joyous new year.jalal
Number 4 is hilarious, hahaha. Surely the Halloween was fun, and now Happy New Year to you, hope it’s not too late! May 2013 be a year of success and happiness for you.. 🙂
Subhan Zein