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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

The Bachelor, Season 19 Episode 2 Recap

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

Episode 2 started out like a low-budget telenovela. Episode 1 reject Kimberly returns to the house and confesses to Farmer Chris, with all the teary-eyed drama you’d expect, that she felt like she was supposed to be here and that she felt like she was supposed to meet him. Cliché background music plays as she tells Chris through sniffles that she couldn’t leave “Without at least just looking [him] in the eye and just, you know, like, just asking if [he] could just like talk, for like just a few minutes.”

Farmer Chris pretends to struggle with the decision, but of course takes her back with a shit-eating grin on his face. I get it—I mean, in Cornfield, Iowa girls are a scarce resource. You don’t just get rid of scarce resources. You hoard them in case of a famine or nuclear apocalypse! Who is ABC to tell him to get rid of all these perfectly good females? It’s reckless! The ABC execs. clearly weren’t around for the dating season famine of 96’. Things got so bad it’s been said that men started dating their own hands.

After several gratuitous shots of Chris showering outdoors (because REAL men don’t use indoor plumbing, apparently) the girls get ready for their first group date. The date card read “Goin’ Country.” Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., MacKenzie, Kimberly and Tara were the lucky girls. MacKenzie apparently took the “country” date card literally and showed up in what appear to be her child’s overalls.

While the other girls were off getting “country” in a rooftop hot tub, Jillian and Megan decide to sneak into Casa de Chris, apparently for the express purpose of trying on his motorcycle helmet (Megan then banged her helmeted-head against multiple surfaces in order to ensure that the helmet worked—she’s seriously so thoughtful you guys). The most peculiar part of this segment though was not the breaking and entering, or the self-inflicted blunt-force trauma, but the fact that Jillian’s fully butted bikini bottom is blocked out the entire time from all possible angles. At first it’s blocked out in the back so it seemed reasonable that maybe part of her butt was showing, but the plot thickens when it’s blocked out from the side and the front. WHAT IS IT BLOCKING OUT!? Does she have mini multi-colored penises screen-printed on her bikini bottom? What could possibly need to be censored from all angles? I AM SO INTRIGUED.

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

Resident Drunk, Jordan, later goes on a barely intelligible rant about how Jillian has excessive ass hair and for a second I thought I had solved the mystery, but then ABC goes and blocks out Jillian’s ass again…when she is wearing JEANS. WHAT EVEN? This might be the most engaging (pun intended) sub-plot of the season so far.

Meanwhile, back on the “country” date, the girls seem to have left the pool (and their clothes) behind, as it cuts straight to Farmer Chris parading his bikini-clad posse of women through downtown LA. I’d never considered walking down the middle of the street in a bikini as a viable dating technique, but I can see now that it has its merits. In a society where people are otherwise clothed, walking around wet and mostly naked would really help you get noticed.

Bachelor-girls-with-Chris-467

Image Credit: ABC

Don’t worry though—there is a reason for this. He’s not objectifying this group of (mostly) intelligent and accomplished women by having them walk down a busy city street while shivering and scantily clad for no good reason. As it turns out, he has a very legitimate reason for doing this, because the next activity is…wait for it…tractor racing. See? And you thought it was demeaning. I bet you feel silly now. As you know ALL farmers wear barely-there bikinis while driving tractors. That’s why farms are so isolated—you know, for modesty.

But seriously though. Racing tractors in downtown LA is a cultural fusion on par with sushi pizza. Maybe next the girls can field-dress a deer in Fred Segal, or get plastic surgery in a cornfield. I wonder how many of them will know that “field-dress” isn’t an outfit. Man, will that be a let down…

Ashley I. (the girl that looks like Kim Kardashian) won the snail race tractor race. Farmer Chris rewards her by having her jump up on his tractor and sit on his lap. Score!

After his alone time with Kim K, Farmer Chris announces that he’s turning this group date into a one-on-one with relatively quiet mommy-of-one MacKenzie.

The girls smile through clenched teeth and assure each other that it’s just because MacKenzie isn’t as good as them and needs special attention. He’s clearly just trying to make things fair. “I think it’s sweet in a way,” Jade said, completely deadpan.

MacKenzie (who somehow got a dress) and Farmer Chris go to dinner. McKenzie seems to feel compelled to break the non-existent tension by saying that her favorite part of a man’s body is a great big…wait for it…NOSE. Chris looks pained. Work it girl.

Fortunately she recovers quickly by changing the conversation topic to…aliens? In case you were wondering, she may or may not have seen aliens—she’s not sure.

While Chris kicks himself silently under the table for leaving the 5 other girls behind, shivering in their bikinis, MacKenzie decides it’s a good time to reveal that she has a one-year-old son. Lucky for her, her Hail Mary play worked, and Chris gave her the rose.

Chris selects Megan (helmet girl) for his one-on-one date. Though, when she gets the date card (which, in her defense, reads like a very ambiguous note) she doesn’t understand that it means she got a date. The glossy heads of the remaining girls all slowly pivot toward her as their eyes scream in unison, “YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.”

MacKenzie, always a pro at breaking the tension, changes the subject by recounting for the girls the exact number of kisses she shared with Chris (5+1…so 6?). I predict that that will be the exact number of stab wounds found on her body.

After awkwardly greeting all of the girls and enduring a plethora of forced smiles, Chris whisks Megan away on a private plane for their first one-on-one date.

He says how much fun it is to watch her get excited, by which he really means, to watch her boobs jiggle.

She says sad things. He listens. They kiss. Right on schedule.

Meanwhile, the second group date card is delivered to the girls back at the house. It reads, “Till’ death do us part.” Here’s a friendly dating tip for all you single ladies out there. If a guy’s love notes could just as easily be death threats, he’s probably not the one. Though, he will likely be the one that will kill you. What you want is a restraining order, NOT a ring. If, before going out, a guy sends you a vaguely worded death threat…DO NOT GO. The call is coming from inside the house chica! But of course, they all scramble up the stairs.

The group date turns out to be zombie hunting, and looks startlingly like the opening scene of a Law & Order SVU episode.

It was on this date that Ashley S. (or as I like to call her, “oh dear god”) really began to shine. This chick has the unblinking, glossy-eyed stare of a B movie killer who has been possessed by some ghost with a vendetta. It started when she “misunderstood” the game, and thought she was supposed to shoot the other girls. Whoops! I sincerely hope her paintball gun is confiscated before the rose ceremony. She then proceeded to, in a eerily serene state, mercilessly shoot zombies execution style. To say it was unsettling would be an understatement. It would be like if you took your date fishing and he/she whipped out an AK-47 and released several rounds of ammo on the fish while laughing maniacally. She later describes a candle as looking “like a million angels….what is this?” This chick works with scissors for a living, people.

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

In other massive revelations: The girl that looks like Kim K (Ashley I.) has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin. The other girls encourage Ashley I. to tell Farmer Chris, but Ashley decides to go in another direction, instead showing him her magic lamp belly button ring, and giving him 3 wishes.

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

You can see a pained expression on Chris’s face. He knows EXACTLY what he wants to wish for. “One wish…” he keeps saying over and over, trying to gauge exactly what the bounds of this wish are. He finally punches his boner and sheds a tear while wishing for “a kiss” through gritted teeth. But not so fast! Ashley says he has to rub her magic bottle belly ring before he can kiss her. Chris’ boner cries. They eat each other’s faces.

Soon after comes what, in my opinion, is the single most overlooked but excellent moment of the episode. Alissa, the flight attendant, while talking in an interview….MAKES FLIGHT ATTENDANT HANDS. I’m totally serious you guys. She’s pointing to imaginary exit signs while talking about how hard it is to share a boyfriend. 1:10:18. Check it out.

Drunk off her ass Jordan decides she’s going to “step up her game” which seems like an ambitious goal considering she can’t even handle putting one foot in front of the other. She accidentally narrates her thought process to Chris—“I feel like I need to go in for the kill.” Shockingly, her tactics are not effective.

At the rose ceremony, Teary-Eyed Britt gets the first rose and you can feel her heart flutter. DOHA Jordan throws some serious shade on Ashley I, saying he’s looking for a girl who is a natural beauty. Nothing says “natural beauty” like being drunk and twerking upside down in a bathroom. Keep it classy, Jordan.

Poor Jillian walks up when Julia’s name is called—as if that’s not bad enough, she also trips on the carpet and almost wipes out. She handles it like a champ. On the bright side, her ass wasn’t inexplicably censored, and she does eventually get a rose. Why do they have a carpet there anyway?

Second Chance (Kimberly) is out of luck this week, as is DOHA Jordan, flight attendant hands Alissa and some other girls. Surprisingly though, Crazy Pants Ashley S. gets a rose. More surprising? She doesn’t eat it.

Most overused phrase so far this season: “There are no rules here”

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3 Comments on “The Bachelor, Season 19 Episode 2 Recap”

  1. Michelle at The Green Study January 15, 2015 at 4:46 pm #

    I never watch reality shows, but your narration gives me a vicarious laugh. Very funny post!

  2. Betsy January 16, 2015 at 7:42 am #

    SO funny! Really enjoyed your writing!!

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