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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 3 Recap a.k.a. “That time Jimmy Kimmel ruined the Bachelor”

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

In what is sure to go down as the most epically catastrophic cross-promotional disaster to date, The Bachelor and Jimmy Kimmel joined forces this week to make Bachelor viewers nationwide uncomfortable. This episode was less about the girls and more about Jimmy Kimmel…making non-stop “jokes” about sleeping with the girls. I honestly hated it so much I almost didn’t even want to do a recap.

Jimmy Kimmel arrives at an ungodly hour and strolls into Chris’ unlocked house because SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THERE ARE NO RULES THIS SEASON! Subtext: “Our ratings are plummeting please someone have a pregnancy scare.”

In a scene that starts off eerily reminiscent of a documentary on human trafficking, Chris Harrison announces to the room full of groggy, overly-made up, scantily-clad girls that there is now a new man in their life. Jimmy Kimmel enters and greets the girls by announcing: “I’m going to help Chris make his decision by making love to each one of you.” (Cue the Law & Order music, dum-dum). The girls smile and make laughing noises while maintaining dead eyes.

Kaitlyn (a.k.a. “You can plow the F*ck out of my field any day” Girl) gets the date card. It says she’s going to an “exclusive club with vaulted ceilings.” It should be noted that Jimmy was in charge of planning this date and writing the date card. While the other girls talk to the camera about how “extravagant” this date is going to be, it cuts to Kaitlyn and Chris rolling into a Costco parking lot, champagne in hand. Classy, right? Nothing says, “homeless” like drinking champagne in a Costco parking lot.

Seriously ABC, reel it in. I feel like they’re getting drunk on advertising power (or possibly Costco-brand champagne). One of those advertising execs was like “There is money to be made here. There is seriously NO product we can’t advertise through product placement on the Bachelor!” And his manipulative nemesis at a competing network was like, “I bet you couldn’t do Ketchup.”

Cut to: Costco parking lot. Kaitlyn and Chris are instructed to get “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” [ABC advertising exec. grins deviously, oblivious to the fact that he just got PLAYED.]

Kaitlyn and Chris pretend to have fun shopping in Costco. At any moment I am expecting to see a Costco membership coupon code appear on the bottom of the screen. Enter ROSE at checkout for a special Bachelor discount.

They get back to Chris’ house with a limo full of super-sized shit. Kaitlyn says that his lack of glamour is what she likes about him. Chris looks genuinely touched, and for a solid 8 seconds I’m convinced he’s going to cry. I now realize that this is just his “I want to kiss you” face. How unfortunate…

They kiss for like, idk, a minute, before Jimmy shows up and I remember how much I hate him. Jimmy makes more jokes about sleeping with the girls, suggests that Kaitlyn and Chris have a threesome with him, and then asks if Kaitlyn would be mad if she made it to the fantasy suite, won the competition, and then found out that Chris had slept with 2 other girls as well. Kaitlyn responds that she wouldn’t be mad because “You have to test-drive the car before you buy it.” I like this metaphor because it’s fun to think of women as shiny objects. People are always like, blah blah blah women aren’t objects, they’re not possessions…well good for you Kaitlyn for sticking it to the man and proving that your worth is on par with the best certified used Ford Focus that Carmax has to offer. The date ends with Chris and Kaitlyn making out on top of each other in the hot tub, while Jimmy Kimmel sits in the hot tub, watching them as he slowly eats Costco fried chicken. This is not a joke. This actually happened.

The girls who are not being watched with the reverence and fried chicken usually reserved for pornography and Dutch prostitutes behind windows, then receive a date card. The card is addressed to Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, MacKenzie, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly, and says, “Are you ready to meet some real party animals?”

The girls arrive at what is called, “The Ho-Down Throw-Down.” They will be required to shuck corn, find eggs in a chicken pen and crack one into a frying pan without breaking the yoke, milk goats and then DRINK THE MILK (excuse me while I dry-heave), and then wrangle a greased-pig into a pen.

Is it just me, or is Jillian being super touchy-feely with Britt? This is like the 3rd time this episode that Jillian’s had her arms wrapped around her. Interesting…

Carly (the cruise ship singer whose eye brows look like frownie faces) says that she’s lactose intolerant, but she’ll drink it anyway. As someone who is lactose intolerant, I have to question her long-term judgment. Like, what is really the BEST case scenario here? She wins this ho-down and then shits all over him on their solo date? Well played, Carly. Of course she chugs the milk in record time and wins. Severe intestinal distress is nothing compared to true love!

Jillian says the milk tastes warm and salty. Are we sure she didn’t accidentally “milk” the male goat?

Later that night at the cocktail party, Carly, still high on the victory of chugging unpasteurized goat milk, grabs Chris away before any of the other girls have a chance to talk to him. She then drops the most painfully awful line on him that I have ever heard…

“You are a man…and I am a woman…and I just wanted to take full advantage.” She then kisses Chris, who appears to still be trying to figure out what the hell she just said.

I have used similar logic when shopping: “These glitter-covered heels are for sale…and I have a credit card…I just want to take full advantage of these unlikely odds.”

It’s at this point that I start to realize something…I think Chris is kind of dumb.

For the first couple of episodes I just assumed that the Bachelor was a smart, handsome, well-rounded guy…but the more I hear him struggle with words and speaking and stuff…the harder it is to ignore that he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. In fact, I think he might be more like that piece of Play-Doh in the crayon box—the one that your cousin jammed in there one time and you’ve just never really bothered to take out. I mean, it’s not bothering anyone, but it’s also useless and isn’t really adding anything to the mix. I have a theory that there is such an absurd amount of making out this season solely because Chris is kind of a drag to talk to.

Amber, clearly trying to be spontaneous, suggests that they dance (in the tense, silent ambiance of the cocktail party). She says, “Just pretend we’re dancing at our wedding.” Spoiler alert: She does not get a rose.

At this point, all of the girls are starting to notice that Chris is pretty much just making out all over the place. MacKenzie snaps first. She accosts Chris and says, “Remember how we kissed? Why are you kissing everyone else, too?” Chris stammers through a severely flawed moral argument of why it would be inauthentic for him to not kiss the other women.

The next day, Whitney (the girl who sounds like a sexy baby with a deviated septum) gets the solo date card. The card reads, “no whining,” and I almost do a spit-take thinking that Jimmy Kimmel was calling her out on her insufferably high-pitched, nasal voice. Maybe he was, but the date was to a winery—so it was probably that.

Seriously though, her voice makes me want to crawl out of my own skin

On their date, Whitney and Chris spot a wedding. Whitney peer pressures him into crashing it, even saying “YOLO” at one point, which sounds more like “yah-low,” you know, given her voice. Chris looks uncomfortable, but agrees, and then for some reason decides they should pretend to be engaged. He’s the worst at this.

There are lots of things to be thankful for on this date: I was thankful that Whitney changed out of her white jeans and denim vest before they crashed the ceremony (tragically though, not before 1990). I’m sure they were thankful that they had somehow known to bring evening wear…and a pre-wrapped wedding gift…and that their driver knew how to find the reception (which was not in the same place as the ceremony that they had seen). We’re still maintaining that this was a “spontaneous” idea to “crash” a wedding? We are? Yeah? Ok then.

It’s at the wedding that we see how hopelessly bad Chris is under pressure. A group of 3 girls introduce themselves to Whitney and Chris as “the bride’s sisters.” They easily start a conversation with Whitney, which Chris then interrupts moments later to say in a stammering voice, “Bride or groom? Are you—are you with the—which side?” Whitney puts her hand on his arm. “They’re the bride’s sisters.” Whitney then resumes conversation with the sisters, gushing about her “engagement” ring. Chris interjects: “So how do you know the bride and groom?” GOOD LORD. JUST BE COOL, PLAY-DOH! DAMN.

If you were hoping that maybe he would be better at dancing than talking to human beings…you would likely be disappointed there too. Chris’ dance moves are largely just regular activities taken out of context. Such as grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, and…hanging Christmas lights? I honestly have no idea what he’s doing.

At the very least though, you have to give the guy credit for being a great judge of character. After watching Whitney lie effortlessly about all aspects of her life in order to get free booze and party, Chris realizes how “authentic” and “genuine” she is, and gives her a rose. You can’t even make this shit up.

Jimmy Kimmel throws a wrench in things the next day by announcing that they will be having a pool party instead of a cocktail party before the rose ceremony that night. It’s the third episode, which everyone knows is when girls are supposed to start opening up to Chris by sharing a private story about something horrible that happened to them in the past. There’s a lot of confusion over how to open up and reveal their feelings to Chris without the ambiance of cocktails and desperation. Nonetheless, Juelia perseveres. She pulls Chris out of the pool to discuss something super serious. It’s awkward because I’m pretty sure the most serious discussion ever to happen at a pool party prior to this is whether a cooler full of beer cans can float. Nonetheless, she shares with him the heartbreaking story of how her husband committed suicide (with beach balls and boobs flying around in the background). I wish I could have been more sensitive to her story, but I was so uncomfortable that I mostly just fixated on how she said the word “feelings”—“fillings.”

Oh hey—are Britt and Jillian holding hands? Yeah, they are. I know what you’re thinking…Jillian seems to be pretty close with Britt. In fact, there isn’t one scene in this episode when they’re not touching, hugging or holding hands. But you know, I’m pretty sure Jillian was holding hands with Ashley I. at one point in episode 1, and had her arm around another girl at a date-card reading earlier, so maybe she’s just a touchy-feely kind of person. You know, who happens to be super muscular, athletically inclined, and single…

Why would a lesbian go on the Bachelor anyway? I mean, what kind of lesbian would go on a show where she would be forced to live in isolation with dozens of sexy women desperate for love? What a waste of time.

Britt starts talking to Chris about how hard it is to see him with other women…he stammers through a series of unrelated words before Britt gets bored and makes out with his face.

Jade, whom I had completely forgotten existed, emerges from obscurity and asks Chris to give her a tour of his place. They decide to “test the bed out” (a line which, I cannot even believe worked. Maybe next they can “test out his penis”). Jillian decides to get a leg-up on the competition by waiting for him in his hot tub.

Meanwhile, Kim K. Ashley I. assembles a search party for Chris. The search party is successful, kind of. They find Chris in the hot tub with Jillian, but Jillian flashes her giant man-muscles and tells them to eff-off. Ashley I. spearheads a UN-like plan for politically correct mass-dating. The plan is basically that the 3 of them (Ashley I., MacKenzie, and Megan) will get into the hot tub and make sure that they all have equal solo date time with Chris. The problem is that the plan hinges on Jillian being diplomatic enough to GTFO of the hot tub after she has had sufficient solo time. As you may have predicted, Jillian, testosterone booming, did not budge, despite several passive aggressive cues by Ashley I. and her crew.

Ashley is devastated by the injustice of Jillian not getting her censored-ass out of the hot tub and storms off, dropping her plastic wine glass on the way back to the girl’s house. The camera zooms-in on the wine glass dramatically as it topples and bounces down the hill.

Chris, despite having done nothing to alleviate the tension of the situation, seems to realize that he pissed off Ashley I. because he comes into the house looking for her.

Ashley I. tries to explain how she’s upset because Jillian violated the unspoken code of conduct by not stepping aside after she had gotten her alone time. Chris is not registering a word she is saying. She tries to break it down further by giving him a concrete example (you know, like when you teach a kid to add by using apples and oranges). She explains that when she was talking to him last week and Tara came over, she didn’t mind letting Tara talk to him because she had already had her time.

“You got upset when Tara came over?” Chris looks like all this thinking is actually causing him physical pain.

Ashley laugh-cries. This is both ridiculous and frustrating.

“I’m glad you care?” He tries again.

She gives up trying to speak to him like a human being and makes out with him. Do you see a pattern forming here?

Jimmy Kimmel kicks off the rose ceremony by giving Chris a nugget of advice that I maintain is the ONLY funny this he said the entire episode: “Whatever you do. Don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.”

Armed with this great advice, Chris walks out and promptly fucks up the very first thing he says, saying, “Jade” instead of “Jimmy.” * slow clap *

MacKenzie gets a rose, despite putting him on blast for kissing mouths that aren’t hers. So do Crazy Pants Ashley S. (who got zero screen time this week), Jillian (and her butt), Jade (“let’s test the bed”), Megan (helmet girl), Juelia (who will never be invited to another pool party), Samantha, Kelsey, Britt, Carly, Nikki, and Ashley I.

Ashley I. was called last, but if she can survive making out with Chris on the edge of a roof…of course she can survive a rose ceremony.

Trina (who?), Tracy (again, who?), and Amber (totally regretting her “pretend it’s our wedding” joke) are eliminated.

Times Jillian’s butt was censored this episode:

  1. When she’s working out
  2. While milking goats
  3. When she epically jumps the fence into the pigpen
  4. When she’s shoveling manure into wheelbarrow
  5. When she’s walking into Chris’ house
  6. While floating in the pool

In revelations for the coming weeks: THERE ARE 2 VIRGINS IN THE HOUSE! And no, I’m pretty sure the other one is not Chris Harrison.

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3 Comments on “The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 3 Recap a.k.a. “That time Jimmy Kimmel ruined the Bachelor””

  1. plumgrape January 26, 2015 at 4:41 am #

    Thank you. Fun to read, although I don’t know the series or episode, but it says gazillions about you. Super

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