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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

THE BACHELOR SEASON 19, EPISODE 4, A.K.A. THE “PRINCESS DRESS” DIARIES

Image Credit: ABC

Image Credit: ABC

First group date: Meghan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., MacKenzie, and Kelsey

The card reads: “Let’s do what feels natural.” Clearly what “felt natural” to the girls was frantically putting on foundation, waterproof mascara, fake eyelashes and hair extensions.

The “natural” date turns out to be swimming in a lake that Kelsey describes as a “muddy…hellhole.” However, the date quickly becomes more about being “au natural” when Ashley I. (after deciding that she needs to find a way to “break out” this week) jumps into the water topless. Kaitlyn follows close behind, jumping in bottomless. She says she feels “Eh okay” that Chris saw her toosh. Canadians are fun.

Chris addresses the group: “I love being here with you guys in your bathing suits.” He then announces that they’re going to camp out overnight. That means we FINALLY get an answer to the age-old question: how many bachelor contestants does it take to put up a tent? Damn it…where are Jillian and her power tools when you need them!?

Meanwhile back at the house, the other girls learn that Chris’ 3 sisters will be coming to meet them, and will be selecting the girl for Chris’ one-on-one date. The best part is watching the sisters ask the girls how they feel about moving to Iowa (also please note: ALL of those bitches GTFO of Iowa—one of them moved all the way to freaking Ireland). There seemed to be 3 main tactics to responding:

  1. Be noncommittal and vague: Who knows where life will take me! Life is what happens when you’re making plans (HA HA HA)…What even IS life, I mean really?
  2. Vivid Imagery: I can totally see myself in Iowa. Spoiler: I can see myself just about anywhere. I have a great imagination. While watching Step Up, I could totally see myself break dancing on a dirty curb in Brooklyn. Will I ever break dance in Brooklyn? HELL NO.
  3. Distract them: Wow, your hair looks totally like Kate Gosselin’s did in 2009.

During the interview Carly talks about how much her grandfather loved her grandmother. Afterwards she reveals to the camera that she wants Chris to be her grandpa. Kinky.

Back at the campsite, Chris has solo time with some of the girls:

Kaitlyn, explaining how she’s not very materialistic, says all she needs are words—not possessions. She might be out of luck with Chris. Unless the words can be unrelated, mispronounced and in no particular order.

Kelsey, who has possessed the disposition of a PMS-ing honey badger all day, suddenly turns into the happy girl on the Tampax commercial, freeze-frame laughing when Chris shows up. I honestly have no idea what they talked about because I was so distracted by her exaggerated, Julia Roberts style, stage laugh. HAH HAH HAH!

Crazysauce Ashley S. reemerges after somehow managing to fly under the radar for a full episode last week. Tonight though, it’s a full moon. There’s no way this chick’s laying low. “What are you?” Ashley repeated over and over while her vacant, glossy eyes stare blankly at Chris’ face. She actually looks just as confused by the words that come out of her mouth as he does. Chris wraps up solo time, seemingly as shocked and relieved as everyone else that Ashley S. didn’t try to stab him in some sort of ritualistic sacrifice.

Ashley I. sets out to tell Chris words but they end up just making out.

We’re back at the campfire, wondering why MacKenzie is talking about aliens again, when Chris runs towards the girls with a mask on, wielding an AXE and yelling. The girls indulge him. I would have fucking chopped his dick off. For all you single ladies out there…THIS IS A RED FLAG! Just to recap…Chris took these girls to an isolated location in the middle of the woods, waited until it was dark out, and then scared the shit out of them by pretending to be an axe murderer. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT IN A HUSBAND. Hell, THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE, EVER. No woman will be like, “the moment I fell for you…was the moment you came hurtling towards me with an axe…”

Chris decides that now it’s a good time to give out the rose. He gives it to Kaitlyn. Ashley I. is pretty pissed about this. She decides it must be because Chris doesn’t know the real her, so she sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night to make out with his face and explain how innocent she is. This plan goes about as well as you would expect. Ashley beats around the bush (pun intended) and tries to imply that she is a virgin by talking about how she is inexperienced and has never had a serious boyfriend. “I feel like he got it,” she tells the camera…(and then she continues, totally oblivious to the double entendre) that if he wants to know more “he can probe that area later on.” OMG. I CAN’T EVEN. I’M DYING.

Surprising no one, Chris tells the camera that he “had no idea what she meant.” Seriously, tell him like he’s 5. TELL HIM EVERYTHING LIKE HE’S 5.

When the camping girls get back to the house they learn that Jade won a Cinderella-themed date (let’s be honest—she had them at “Nebraska”). This weird thing happens to Ashley I. when she learns that another girl gets to go on this date. Kind of like what happens when you drop an ice cube into a glass of water and it starts cracking all over the place.

She’s here competing for this guy who BARELY knows how to talk. And I mean, what is the best-case scenario really? She wins and has to move to IOWA? They probably don’t even have SEPHORA in Iowa. She would be SO miserable. Literally her only saving grace—the ONLY thing that would have made this whole experience worthwhile—was getting to be a mother-fucking princess. And that bitch Jade beat her to it. LET THE MELTDOWN COMMENCE!

While someone (who I can only imagine is the love child of a mime and a marshmallow peep) makes over Jade and forces her to watch scenes from DISNEY’S NEW MOVIE CINDERELLA COMING TO THEATERS IN 2015 (subtle, guys…but hey, at least they didn’t have Jimmy Kimmel play her fairy godmother), Ashley gets increasingly upset. “Whenever someone wants me to describe myself…[it] comes up…that I’m a hopeless romantic Disney princess….that is MY date!” She then has chest pain…and I’m pretty sure starts plotting to stab Jade with her glass slippers.

Ashley proceeds to take her meltdown to the All-Star round by getting dressed up for her princess-themed date. YES SHE KNOWS SHE’S NOT GOING ON ONE YOU ASSHOLES. In what is for sure the most epic Bachelor scene to date, Ashley sits alone in her princess ball gown, eating corn on the cob and drinking white wine, while going on a tangent about how everyone knows that SHE is Cinderella. Let’s be real: Ashley I. is no Cinderella. No one who calls herself a Kardashian can also be Cinderella. They are quite possibly the two most mutually exclusive identities ever.

The next group date involves the girls all putting on wedding dresses and then trashing them on a gross, muddy obstacle course. On the way to there, Jillian complains about how uncomfortable and weird she feels wearing the dress. Interesting.

Jillian mercilessly kicks everyone’s ass on the obstacle course. In order to avoid a humiliating and inevitable loss, Chris pretends to be chivalrous and hangs back to help the stragglers. Hey Guys—Chris did something clever!

Jillian and Chris go on their one-on-one date and it plays out something like this:

Jillian talks a lot

Chris to the camera: “It’s nice to have someone else talk once in a while…to take off the pressure of talking”

Jillian continues to talk a lot.

Chris to the camera: “When Jillian’s talking I get confused…because the words come out so quickly”

More of Jillian talking…

Chris to camera: “Occasionally as Jillian’s words come out and float over my head I start picturing unicorns…and fairies…they’re pretty.”

Chris picks up the rose and starts to say some nice things but then in a total plot twist…he explains to Jillian that there’s no chemistry for her in his gut (which everyone knows is where the chemistry lives). Jillian makes a tragically ugly crying face and tries to explain why he’s wrong. He listens while ushering her towards the elevator. It’s not her fault—she kicked his ass at the obstacle course, has muscles bigger than him, and talks faster than his brain works. It was strictly by virtue of being a winner (and you know, possibly a lesbian) that she became a loser.

Back at the house, tensions rise at the pre-elimination cocktail party. Princess Ashley pulls Chris aside to talk to him. She’s starting to suspect that he didn’t understand the conversation they had in his tent.

“Tell me what you gathered from our tent conversation the other day,” She starts.

Chris looked like he just got called on to answer questions about a book he hadn’t read.

“….I was looking forward to talking to you…it was intriguing…” Chris says, clearly proud of his on-the-spot bullshit that fools NO ONE.

She finally levels with him and just says she’s a virgin. Sensing his surprise, she quickly follows with “Don’t worry…it’s not something I’m super serious about.” *Face-Palm*

Britt strongly implies that Chris is picking girls for the wrong reasons.

“She did take off her bathing suit…but that’s not WHY I gave her a rose…” Chris says indignant. He then tries to argue that Kaitlyn has a lot of different “facets” (Someone’s been using his word-of-the-day calendar!) Chris explains to Britt that he is putting his heart and soul into every second of this. The fact that he gets near constant sexual gratification is just a bonus. He then throws a temper tantrum and storms off, re-emerging only to announce to the group that if anyone questions whether he’s here to find a wife they can just GO HOME.

Chris clearly thinks that as long as he says he is “looking for a wife” he is free to act like a frat boy at a free booty buffet. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to him that these women are also looking for a husband. Preferably one who doesn’t have sex all over the place, lack all communication skills, and try to kick them out when they question his behavior.

The rose ceremony was tense. Britt got the last rose, and a stern message to MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS, WOMAN!

Juelia and Nikki (who?) both get sent home and Ashley S. is finally set free to return to her home planet.

In super anti-climactic revelations: Becca is the other virgin. She says it deadpan and then drops the subject.

 

 

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4 Comments on “THE BACHELOR SEASON 19, EPISODE 4, A.K.A. THE “PRINCESS DRESS” DIARIES”

  1. kerynrobinsonartist January 29, 2015 at 2:28 am #

    I’m so glad you’re critiquing The Bachelor, because it means I never have to watch it. Your posts are sooo much more entertaining! 🙂

    • sorryiamnotsorry January 29, 2015 at 9:25 am #

      Thank you so much! I’m so happy you like my posts! 🙂

  2. plumgrape January 29, 2015 at 3:40 am #

    Thank you, A revelation indeed.

  3. D. Jay Iaconetti, M.D. January 31, 2015 at 11:11 am #

    Thank God somebody understands my daughter Ashley I! Emotional yes, but crazy no (ok…maybe sometimes). Don’t take it all soon seriously…..it is TV you know. She is having the time of her life.

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