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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

BACHELOR SEASON 19, EPISODE 6 RECAP, A.K.A. DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD

This episode picks up where the last one left off…with Kelsey lying on the floor having a “panic attack.”

She wails and moans loudly and uncontrollably until she stops abruptly and says in a perfectly calm, clear voice: “I want to talk to Chris.” As she tries to disguise her shit-eating grin behind her oxygen mask she says, “I’m going to get a rose tonight for sure.”

Predictably, she recovers 100% as soon as she gets a kiss from Chris and returns to the girls where she fails epically at acting like someone who just fainted.

“I have fooled you all!”

“I have fooled you all!”

"Bitch, please."

“Bitch, please.”

Ashley expresses concern that because her “story” is not as sad as Kelsey’s, that she won’t get a rose. I know this is going to sound crazy…but maybe tragedy is not the most attractive character trait in a girl. Maybe Chris is not actually looking for the saddest, sickest most SOL girl to spend the rest of his life with. This isn’t Survivor—it’s the Bachelor. Not knowing how to overcome insurmountable grief and struggle is probably ok. You’ll have plenty of time to figure that out while you’re living on a cornfield in Iowa.

They finally have the rose ceremony that was postponed last week. The girls stand outside shivering as Chris hands out the last 2 roses to Ashley and Kelsey. MacKenzie and someone with black hair that I swear I’ve never seen before get sent home.

Chris and the remaining girls head to Deadwood, South Dakota, and if that doesn’t sound like it would be “Home of the Boner-Killer” then I don’t know what does. I know what you’re thinking…how low is the show’s budget this season? Didn’t they go to Thailand a couple seasons ago? But guys…it’s just because Chris is such an all-American country boy that the show is sticking to his down-home roots. It’s definitely not because the producers are covering the girls’ travel expenses with their Southwest Rewards Club Miles.

We spend about 30 painfully awkward seconds watching the girls pretend to be excited about being in South Dakota.

“…It’s a change of scenery….” Becca says, when prompted to express her excitement.

They then show a close-up of a stray cat walking on a wall, because apparently that is the most interesting thing happening in Deadwood, South Dakota.

It is here, in Boner-Killer, South Dakota, that Whitney, Carly and Kaitlyn decide to confront Kelsey about her…err…PSYCHO behavior. Kelsey explains that she’s not psycho…she’s a widow…she’s not acting weird, it’s just that she was married and now she’s not…because her husband is dead. She’s sorry if she hurt their feelings…she probably was just oblivious because she was so wrapped up in grieving over the death of her husband who died and is now dead.

She tells the camera that they are upset because she is “blessed with eloquence…and [she] use[s] a lot of big words, because [she] is smart.” Yes, that is the problem. The feeble-minded bachelorettes simply can’t wrap their heads around the fact that Kelsey is a narcissistic iniquitous calumniator with villainous and sociopathic tendencies. Oh wait…YES THEY CAN. Big words: not just for Kelsey anymore!

“Suck it, dumb-dumbs.”

“Suck it, dumb-dumbs.”

One-on-One Date: Becca (the only girl he hasn’t kissed)

Becca and Chris are both quiet and down-to-earth which makes them pretty compatible but also makes the date pretty boring to watch. They bond over Chris’ insanely girly laugh and Chris says he wants to have 4-6 kids. Ordinarily this might seem like an insanely high number of kids, but you have to remember—in Cornfield, Iowa, you kind of have to create your own social circle. You want friends, you’ve gotta make them!

Becca gets the rose, they have their first kiss…and then Becca apologizes to her dad.

Group Date: “Let’s make sweet music”

Kaitlyn, Whitney, Carly, Megan, Jade, Britt

The girls go into what looks like the Wild Wild West and meet Big n’ Rich (the guys that sing “Save a horse ride a cowboy”). They are told that they will have to write and perform a love song for Chris.

They all struggle to write songs about how much they love a guy who is basically humping another girl on the bar right in front of them.

"I have zero friends who are girls"

“I have zero friends who are girls hehe!”

"Group date? LOLZ"

“Group date? LOLZ”

Britt’s song brings Chris to tears. He says, “Everything she sang, is exactly how I feel when I’m with her.” Here’s the kicker though…ALL OF THE LYRICS IN HER SONG CAME FROM THE DATE CARD. HA! “That sweet music,” man.

Carly sings her heart out to Chris—he says her words spoke straight to his heart. Unfortunately for Carly he must have chosen with his dick because he gave the rose to Britt. And, rather appropriately, he gives it to her in the most dick-ish way possible. He pulls Britt aside and RUNS AWAY WITH HER, DITCHING ALL OF THE OTHER GIRLS AT A FREAKING SALOON.

"NO RULES! CAN'T HATE!"

“NO RULES! CAN’T HATE!”

Britt and Chris arrive back at the saloon of abandoned girls OVER AN HOUR LATER and are greeted with icy silence. Chris seems terrified, decides there is “absolutely nothing [he] can do to make them feel better,” (you know, since he can’t go back in time and NOT be a giant dick) and runs away as fast as his little farmboy legs can carry him. Tears, broken hearts and humiliation ensue. It’s like a WeightWatchers Meeting on Valentine’s Day.

2-on-1 Date: “Good times in the Badlands”

Ashley I. vs. Kelsey: The most dramatic date in Bachelor history.

I know you’re probably thinking…what on earth could be sexy or romantic about South Dakota? Well you’re about to feel stupid, because South Dakota happens to be where Mount Rushmore is. And if massive sculptures of the presidents’ heads are not a turn-on…well, then ABC does not know what is. (Note: ABC does not know what is). Kelsey on the other hand, knows exactly how to turn Chris on. She uses her super sexy ability to name every President on Mount Rushmore while Chris tries to look interested and Ashley tries not to strangle her. Yes, Kelsey is certainly “immeasurably blessed” with the gift of seduction. She is also “immeasurably blessed” in her ability to see all the ways in which she is “immeasurably blessed.”

After Washington and Jefferson effectively set the mood, the helicopter lands in the middle of a desert that is completely desolate except for a 4-poster bed. Seriously? Chris brings two girls on a date to the middle of the desert…leads them to a BED…and does not get punched in the face for being a presumptuous pervert? Here are 2 rules of thumb that have never failed me:

  1. If a guy takes you to an isolated desert on a date, it will probably be your last date. Like, literally. You’re probably going to die there. Start looking for matches and leaving fingernails on the freeway because CSI is going to struggle to find you.
  2. Any date that starts with a guy taking you to a bed WILL end badly. I recommend making fart jokes until his boner is as far gone as your expectations of romance.

Ashley, Chris and Kelsey sit awkwardly on the desert bed, drinking wine in complete silence. Ashley and Chris wander off into the desert while Kelsey talks to the camera about the “foundation” that Chris and her have built. Say what?

Once Chris and Ashley get comfy on a romantic sand dune, Ashley breaks the carnal sin of the Bachelor by spending her only alone time with Chris warning him that Kelsey is “kind of fake.”

Here is my theory: Ashley’s subconscious (and by that I mean her eyelashes), know that she would be fucking miserable in Iowa. There is no Sephora, no Nordstrom, no little Korean beauty shops that can meticulously re-apply eyelash extensions every 6 weeks, no restaurants where if you’re lucky you’ll spot someone famous, and nothing ever worth mentioning in US Weekly. One Direction probably doesn’t even tour there! To win this show would be to lose the life and the eyelashes that she loves…and so, she takes one for the team, and becomes a martyr for the girls that really would like to spend the rest of their lives birthing children, shucking corn, and getting drunk on grain alcohol.

Chris then wastes no time proving that he has never heard a secret before by TELLING Kelsey that ASHLEY TOLD HIM that she was fake! WHAT THE HELL PLAY-DOH!? DAMN!

Kelsey hits level 10 manipulator when she responds (without missing a beat), “I’m hurt because Ashley is someone I thought I could trust and that I thought I could be friends with.” Get that chick a gold star and a restraining order, STAT!

Kelsey angrily tells the camera that she is older, smarter and more experienced in life than Ashley because she has been married to her husband who died and now he’s dead and she’s a widow and Ashley wears make-up and likes dresses so she’s basically 13. Not all of us can be lucky enough to have suffered the tragic loss of our husband, Kelsey. Jeez. Talk about being inconsiderate.

“I am the oldest, smartest, saddest person here, LOSERS!”

“I am the oldest, smartest, saddest person here, LOSERS!”

Kelsey returns to the desert bed and sits down next to Ashley. She stares at Ashley without blinking while Ashley pretends to look intently at anything else.

"FML"

“FML”

I WILL END YOU

I WILL END YOU

“I know what you did,” Kelsey finally says. Cue the Psycho music! REE REE REE

Ashley then delivers the most epic monologue in the history of the Bachelor and I feel it’s necessary that it be immortalized in this blog post:

“You think I’m not as smart as you because I don’t use big words? That’s hilarious. Sorry I’m not from Pleasantville, I’m from friggin’ 2014. You and I both have our masters and I actually have mine from a good place, and if you don’t think that I’m intelligent enough to see through you, you’re friggin’ hilarious.”

Ashley storms back towards Chris.

If she is going down, it is going to be in a fabulous fire-storm of drama and she’s going to take ALL of the fake bitches down with her.

Chris decides that since Ashley is crying uncontrollably anyway, now is probably the perfect time to break up with her. He says it’s because he “couldn’t give her the lifestyle [she] really wants…”

“SO WAIT—“ Ashley interjects, “You think that BRITT really wants that lifestyle? Like, SERIOUSLY!?”

Chris looks shell-shocked. How could Britt not want to live in Cornfield, Iowa? She’s so natural and down-to-earth and totally not an aspiring actress…

Ashley storms off, sobbing loudly and the camera cuts to Kelsey smiling maniacally.

Chris trudges over to talk to Kelsey. “I don’t know if you know this,” Chris says, “but I just…sent Ashley home.” Ashley can be heard wailing loudly in the background.

Kelsey hugs Chris, feigning empathy for the difficult decision he just made.

…and then, in a truly epic plot twist…CHRIS DUMPS HER TOO! MUAHAHAHAH.

BITTERSWEET VICTORY!

Here is the evolution of Kelsey’s facial expressions as she realizes she’s being dumped:

"Victory!"

“Victory!”

"Wait…why are you so serious?"

“Wait…why are you so serious?”

"I don’t like where this is going…

“I don’t like where this is going…”

"Well…shit"

“Well…shit”

"Think of me every time you’re walking to work on a sunny day, motherfucker.”

“Think of me every time you’re walking to work on a sunny day, motherfucker.”

 

Then, like a true gentleman, Chris returns to the helicopter and ABANDONS THE GIRLS IN THE DESERT.

“ENJOY THE BADLANDS, BITCHES!”

“ENJOY THE BADLANDS, BITCHES!”

“So do we like, live here now?”

“So do we like, live here now?”

 

This is how the girls react when they learn that Chris sent Kelsey home:

“CHRIS IS SO SMART!” (actual quote)

“CHRIS IS SO SMART!” (actual quote)

“WE ARE ‘IMMEASURABLY BLESSED” THAT SHE’S GONE!”

“WE ARE ‘IMMEASURABLY BLESSED” THAT SHE’S GONE!”

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8 Comments on “BACHELOR SEASON 19, EPISODE 6 RECAP, A.K.A. DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD”

  1. Michael February 12, 2015 at 1:38 am #

    Kelsey is hiding behind enormous amount of insecurity by putting on her bizarre behavior, along with her exaggerated sense of her own importance and abilities which was fueled by her bruised ego. This in turn has caused a lot of discomfort from those around her. I believe she knew she was loosing a connection with Chris which is why she had a panic attack. What she never dreamed of would be the consequences of her actions from the show. Not just being let go by Chris, but…thousands upon thousands of people who watched her behavior, not like her or even going as far as hating her. I suspect she has gotten many negative comments and perhaps even dirty looks when she is out in public. And I also suspect, she was hurt watching the celebration when her departure became known. She will eventually look back on this experience with regret but for now, she is letting her bruised ego make a fool out of herself. Without the ego, I think Kelsey is a likeable person, she is smart, beautiful, and funny at times.

    • Jenn Pressley February 12, 2015 at 9:22 am #

      That’s super insightful. These are all real women put into a super emotionally manipulative and all-around messed up situation, and then have their actions and words edited into the characters the producers want to make them. You never really know what you’re seeing is slick editing, a full-grown woman being insane, or just acting for the cameras.

  2. Ashleigh February 12, 2015 at 9:47 am #

    I live for your recaps. Seriously. They are better than the show.

  3. Beth February 12, 2015 at 9:49 am #

    Another excellent recap!!

  4. ineed coffee February 12, 2015 at 2:57 pm #

    Amazing recaps! Spot on.

  5. Kareen Lee (@monatomic) February 13, 2015 at 2:19 am #

    Your post was so hilarious i choked on my smokin hot green tea

  6. geraldine February 15, 2015 at 10:43 am #

    Epic cool love what he did there he is a real man he should have doen this 2 weeks before this time.

  7. Anonymous February 26, 2015 at 9:45 am #

    How many young men and women have trouble with senses of identity, punishing senses of insecurity and no confidence to comfortably be themselves, honest and sincere? I am sure it is many more than you can imagine. So no wonder this is all so difficult for “actors” you describe, especially in the public spotlight. Another thing, SorryIamnot sorry, is how many youngsters do you think have the education, interest and alacrity to express themselves fluently and fluidly as they might wish unless they have already done the reading and many of your exponents I doubt have! It is a bit shocking, all round.

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