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I’m a funny, free-thinking girl who loves philosophy, disco dancing to 70′s music, going on spontaneous adventures, and living life to the fullest. I love dogs and have an inexplicable affection for elephants. I know who I am and I know what I want out of life.

The Bachelor Season 19, Week 7 “Chris Tells All” A.K.A. Chris Attempts to Talk

Bachelor season 19 chris soules

First of all, whoever thought it was a brilliant idea to have an entire episode devoted to Chris talking (1) has clearly never heard Chris speak, and (2) needs to be fired immediately. I mean really, what will they have next? A group date to compete on “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” Spoiler alert: He almost definitely isn’t. I look forward to Chris getting frustrated and stammering out that he is “here looking for a WIFE. NOT to prove that [he] is smarter than a bunch of kids.” THESE THINGS ARE CLEARLY MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, GUYS. If you would rather know what 5×5 is than find a husband you are free to leave. This started out as a joke but now I really need this to happen.

After taking a series of tequila shots to numb my brain and serve as an anesthetic for the impending trauma that is Chris Soules speaking, I begrudgingly press “play” and let the “duh” wash over me like a calm summer breeze.

Kelsey is first up to bat. Kelsey makes for an interesting case study in how narcissism affects the grief process. After hearing her speak at length about the respect she has for Ashley I., I am also confident that she is suffering from “Bigger Person Syndrome.” This is a very serious chronic condition that I just made up. It primarily affects narcissists, and compels the afflicted individual to act like the “bigger person” in situations where she would clearly rather slap a bitch. Side effects include saying things like, “Despite the fact that she threw me under the bus and betrayed me, I hope that the point that comes across is that I still respect her.” And that when she learned Ashley had “mal intentions” (her words) her first thought was that “It is important to remember that she really is an incredible person.” There is no cure. Just avoid these people at all cost.

We are then reminded of how crazy Ashley S. is, and how bad Jillian is at flirting. I have to say though…I was shocked that Chris was not seduced when Jillian dropped this flawless bomb of sexy: “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl—you don’t know what she has; she’s got a bird in her hair all night OR not have sex for five years?” Men are from Mars…Women are from Venus…and Jillian is from a planet where flirting apparently involves graphic visuals of banging homeless people.

Full disclosure: I stopped watching with 12 minutes to go because OH MY GOD SO BORED. It was a challenge for me to make an entire episode of Chris talking remotely humorous or interesting. However, ABC clearly struggled too. Week 7 was an hour shorter than the other episodes AND they dragged in Old-News Bachelorette Andi to kill about 15 minutes by crying over her failed relationship with WHO CARES!? Let’s be real: Last season stopped being relevant as soon as this season started. Andi might be able to DIY a red carpet dress, but saving this episode would have required a lot more than tacky glue and a sloppy cross-stitch.

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One Comment on “The Bachelor Season 19, Week 7 “Chris Tells All” A.K.A. Chris Attempts to Talk”

  1. plumgrape February 25, 2015 at 10:49 am #

    Reading your blog posts out of sequence, I am reminded of the rather superb song: Another day in Paradise by Phil Collins
    Here is one rendition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybjDjBvcrQo
    and here the lyrics:

    She calls out to the man on the street
    “Sir, can you help me?
    It’s cold and I’ve nowhere to sleep
    Is there somewhere you can tell me?”

    He walks on, doesn’t look back
    He pretends he can’t hear her
    He starts to whistle as he crosses the street
    She’s embarrassed to be there

    Oh, think twice, cause it’s another day for
    You and me in paradise
    Oh, think twice, cause it’s another day
    For you, you and me in paradise
    Think about it

    She calls out to the man on the street
    He can see she’s been cryin’
    She’s got blisters on the soles of her feet
    She can’t walk but she’s tryin’

    Oh, just think twice, cause it’s another day
    For you and me in paradise
    Oh, think twice, it’s just another day
    For you, you and me in paradise
    Just think about it, just think about it

    Oh Lord, is there nothing more anybody can do?
    Oh Lord, there must be something you can say

    You can tell from the lines on her face
    You can see that she’s been there
    Probably been moved on from every place
    ‘Cause she didn’t fit in there

    Oh, think twice, cause it’s another day
    For you and me in paradise
    Oh, think twice, it’s just another day
    For you, you and me in paradise
    Just think about it, just think about it

    It’s just another day
    For you and me in paradise
    It’s just another day
    For you and me in paradise (Para-paradise)

    Paradise
    (Just another day for you and me in paradise)
    Ohh, just think about it (Paradise)
    Paradise
    (It’s just another day
    For you and me in paradise)
    Just think about it (Para-paradise)
    It’s another day
    For you and me in parasise

    It’s another day
    For you and me in paradise
    In paradise

talk to me

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