Date 1: Kaitlyn
First off, can we talk about how Chris is dressed like a lesbian headed to brunch in Palm Springs?
Chris and Kaitlyn visit a temple where they’re not allowed to kiss. They play with flowers and carry baskets on their heads. FYI: It’s a good indicator that you may not be connecting on a deep and meaningful level if all you can think to do together (aside from making out) is balancing baskets on your head. That being said, Chris really had a knack for it.
- Chris trying to communicate with non-English-speaking locals: “THIS—IS—MY—GIRL—FRIEND. IS VERY BEAUTIFUL. RIGHT? VERY BEAUTIFUL.”
- Chris hugging every local he meets
- What’s the word for “white idiot” in Balinese? We should ask Chris…I’m sure he knows at this point.
- Chris getting pissed on by a giant monkey. I’m convinced it was karmic retribution for all of the horrible rose ceremony speeches we’ve had to listen to. Please note that Kaitlyn made out with him while he was still covered in monkey piss. She had to choose between actually having a conversation with him, or making out with him while he was covered in monkey piss, and for her it was no contest. I guess there were no baskets around.
- Kaitlyn’s DEAD-ON monkey impersonation
- Kaitlyn using the phrase “opening up to him” about 10 times while in the fantasy suite. SO. MUCH. DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
Metaphor for their love: A monkey dry-humping Chris and viciously stealing his banana. Kaitlyn: “I wish I could be more like a monkey and just go after what I want and not let anything stand in the way”—get it? LOVE IS THE BANANA.
Date 2: Whitney
Whitney and Chris have their date on a boat. Whitney spends the first half of the date apologizing profusely for the conversation that Chris had with her sister.
Just to re-cap, here is how that conversation went down:
Chris: “Hi, I’m Chris, so nice to meet you for the first time ever. I know I just met your sister (who happens to be your entire family) a few weeks ago, but I think she’s cool. I’m still dating a few other girls—and I’m definitely going to need to bang at least 2-3 of them before I know for sure, but if I end up deciding later on down the road that I want to marry Whitney, do I have your blessing?”
Whitney’s Sister: “Uh, how about you call me when you’re sure she’s the one, and then you can have my blessing.”
Whitney: “OMG YOU’RE SUCH A BITCH YOU TOTALLY JUST WANT ME TO DIE ALONE! NOW HE’LL NEVER LOVE ME AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”
Whitney explains to Chris that it’s not her sister’s fault that she’s “like that.” It’s true. Whitney’s sister was born with her brain. She didn’t get to choose whether she wanted to be smart or have common sense. It’s not her fault you guys. STOP BLAMING HER. What’s that? No one is blaming her? Not even Chris? Oh, ok then. Maybe Whitney just needs to chill.
Later Chris is like, “Hey so it seems like you have an awesome job in an awesome place that is basically your whole life. Why on earth would you want to give all of that up to live in the middle of nowhere?” Whitney explains that she does love her job but she would give it up and move to Arlington in a heartbeat if it meant she could start having babies ASAP. At this point I get this eerie feeling. At first glance, Whitney has all the makings of a complex person. She has a tragic back-story, she’s overcome a lot of adversity, and she’s smart and successful. But in reality, she expends a lot of effort trying to present herself as utterly uncomplicated. She’s selling herself like a move-in ready house. She told Chris about the death of her mother and how her father abandoned her with a giant smile on her face—presenting these traumas like neatly wrapped up facts that have already been resolved. She’s not engaging with him or even really opening up to him–she’s merely catching him up to speed. It makes me wonder whether there’s anything special about Chris—it kind of seems like any decently attractive guy who is ready to be a husband and father could give orphan-Whitney the family that she wants. Whitney and Chris have only really bonded over shared conveniences (like both being ready for kids) and having fun being terrible people when they crashed that wedding.
Whitney and Chris go to the fantasy suite and it seems WAY nicer than the fantasy suite that Chris took Kaitlyn to.
Metaphor for their love: Jumping off of a boat into the ocean which Chris thought there might be sharks in
Date 3: Becca
Chris finds a way to make a place as awesome and exotic as Bali seem as boring as hell by taking Becca on an agricultural tour of the village. Fun fact: fields look like fields. Always.
Becca makes thing uncomfortable by talking (to the camera, not to Chris) about her newly discovered sexual urges. It feels reminiscent of a grainy Sex Ed video you would have been forced to watch in 4th grade while desperately avoiding eye contact with your classmates.
Becca and Chris visit the village medium. He advises them to make love on their date tonight. They both laugh for different reasons.
At dinner, Chris tries to get Becca to say that she loves him and is 100% ready to move to Arlington. She says what anyone with half a brain would say: that she’s falling in love with him, and she’s not opposed to moving but she wants to be sure that they know each other and are a good couple before she leaves her life behind to live in his corn cob mansion. He accepts her answer so as not to prolong the conversation and lose valuable fantasy suite time.
Becca waits until they get into the fantasy suite to tell Chris that she’s a virgin. He releases a long, staggered sigh. There is no disguising his profound disappointment. “I respect that?” He finally asks says.
Metaphor for their love: Standing ankle-deep in a stream. It may not be as powerful a metaphor as jumping into the ocean…but some people are scared of sharks and/or don’t know what love means yet and so for them standing in a stream is just fine.
Sure enough after their night of not sexing each other, Chris has a lot of doubts about Becca. Why can’t she promise to give up her entire life without a second thought like Whitney? He calls in the other Chris for advice. Chris reminds Chris that he needs a wife—not a girlfriend. Let’s be real: what he NEEDS is a mail-order bride. It would be perfect—her expectations would be sufficiently low, and they’d both speak limited English!
At the rose ceremony all of the girls are forced to dress up in “Balinese dresses” that somehow look unlike anything we have seen anyone in Bali wear. Tensions are high. No one wants to get dumped while dressed like a geisha. He pulls Becca aside and the other girls get excited, thinking that he’s sending her home. Predictably, as soon as Becca talks to him she says she loves him and will move to Arlington. He bites.
Whitney and Becca get roses. Kaitlyn goes home.
So basically, Chris nags Kaitlyn to take down her guard so they can move forward for like two straight episodes. She takes down her guard, and then he’s like ok cool thanks, I’m actually fresh out of roses though, so…..[insert his awkward girly laugh here]
Poor Kaitlyn. Kind of. I actually feel more relief than sympathy for the girls that get eliminated this season. Kaitlyn is an aspiring rapper with a crass sense of humor. Her f-bombs and red lipstick would be wasted in Arlington. Like wearing glitter in the dark.