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Like most tragedies, this one started on Tinder.

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Christmas Gifts for the Too Cool and Truly Fabulous

Fancy as Fuck T-Shirt ($48) It’s not fancy until I say it’s fucking fancy. Get it here. 2. Gold silverware ($19.99) Eat with stainless steel? What are we, peasants? Get it here. 3. NOTORIOUS Necklace ($42) Enough said. Get it here. 4. Pray for my Haters Vegan Leather Clutch ($44) Get it here. 5. Hangry Sweatpants ($20) Get […]

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The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 10 Recap: Monkey Piss and Metaphors

Chris reminds Chris that he needs a wife—not a girlfriend. Let’s be real: what he NEEDS is a mail-order bride. It would be perfect—her expectations would be sufficiently low, and they’d both speak limited English!

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The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 8, A.K.A. “IOWANNA GO HOME!”

Chris announces that they’ll all be heading to Iowa, or as he calls it, “God’s Country.” Based on what I have seen of his hometown, I would be inclined to agree. It’s totally God’s Country…like Old Testament God’s Country. Specifically the part of the Old Testament where God totally screwed Job and took everything good away from him just to mess with him and see how long it would take for him to crack. You know, kind of like the producers are doing with the girls this season.

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The Bachelor Season 19, Week 7 “Chris Tells All” A.K.A. Chris Attempts to Talk

First of all, whoever thought it was a brilliant idea to have an entire episode devoted to Chris talking (1) has clearly never heard Chris speak, and (2) needs to be fired immediately.

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“Chris and the remaining girls head to Deadwood, South Dakota, and if that doesn’t sound like it would be “Home of the Boner-Killer” then I don’t know what does…”

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The Bachelor, Episode 5, A.K.A. “OMG WHAT EVEN!?”

The cocktail party is cancelled…and this season’s villain is born.

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First group date: Meghan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., MacKenzie, and Kelsey The card reads: “Let’s do what feels natural.” Clearly what “felt natural” to the girls was frantically putting on foundation, waterproof mascara, fake eyelashes and hair extensions. The “natural” date turns out to be swimming in a lake that Kelsey describes as a […]

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The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 3 Recap a.k.a. “That time Jimmy Kimmel ruined the Bachelor”

In what is sure to go down as the most epically catastrophic cross-promotional disaster to date, The Bachelor and Jimmy Kimmel joined forces this week to make Bachelor viewers nationwide uncomfortable. This episode was less about the girls and more about Jimmy Kimmel…making non-stop “jokes” about sleeping with the girls. I honestly hated it so […]

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The Bachelor, Season 19 Episode 2 Recap

Episode 2 started out like a low-budget telenovela. Episode 1 reject Kimberly returns to the house and confesses to Farmer Chris, with all the teary-eyed drama you’d expect, that she felt like she was supposed to be here and that she felt like she was supposed to meet him. Cliché background music plays as she tells Chris through sniffles that she couldn’t leave “Without at least just looking [him] in the eye and just, you know, like, just asking if [he] could just like talk, for like just a few minutes.”

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